The biggest challenge I’ve faced in years as a parent is our recent nighttime routine. It takes forever, and it’s wearing me out. One of my kids has grown fearful and needs Mom and Dad to sit in his bedroom while he checks every door, closet, and curtain to make sure danger isn’t present. It’s frustrating, but it’s common. Lots of kids go through spurts of fear. Some slip into anxiety. I wish he wasn’t so scared because it’s hard to watch him struggle, but learning to handle fear is part of growing up. We’ve tried so many things to help him see that there are no dangers lurking, but not much has worked. A lot of parents ask, “How can I help the child who is scared of everything?”
Fear can keep you safe, but it can also be a debilitating enemy. Unhealthy fear is as formidable as the dragons in their storybooks and villains from their movies. That emotion can be crippling for them and leave dads feeling weary, too. Thankfully, after months of what’s felt like zero progress, we’ve finally started turning a corner. I wish there was a secret I could give you to make fear go away instantly. There isn’t one, but I can share a few things that helped us. Here are 5 truths I told my fearful child.
1. “Fear doesn’t always tell the truth.”
If your kid suspects there is a monster under the bed, that’s all he or she needs to believe that it’s true. Their feelings often override reality. That’s why it’s important for dads to remind their kids that fear frequently lies. There are certainly situations when a child’s fear comes in response to a legitimately scary moment—getting lost or being in an accident, for example. Make this distinction clear when you talk to your kids about fear. Some fear is in response to what’s real. Some fear is not.
This is where trust enters the picture. I told my son that even though fear sometimes lies, I would not lie to him. If I said he was safe, he could believe me. This can be tough because kids need to accept that Dad is more trustworthy than their fear. This starts to turn in our favor when we consistently embrace our role as a protector. Sit and listen to them. Hold their hand. Help the child who is scared of everything see that you care about their fear, but open their mind to the idea that it may not be telling them what’s true.
2. “Fear might make you feel alone.”
My son was fine when we were in the room with him. The moment we left, that’s when things got dicey. He felt isolated. His fear grew. It only passed when sleep overtook him. Even then, nightmares were possible. It was an awful thing to be in the other room wondering if my child was struggling. Hearing sniffles through the wall stinks. But I can’t sit in there forever.
I encouraged him with Deuteronomy 31:6, which says, “God will never leave you nor forsake you.” Fearful kids may feel isolated, but I believe they never are because God is with them. God doesn’t leave us to fend for ourselves. That’s because He loves us. That can be comforting for a fearful child. It worked for mine. We talked about how God listens to prayers and sends us peace. Those are two great weapons against fear. You may have to sit by their bedside for a bit. I certainly did that. I told him I’d come back to check on him but couldn’t can’t stay forever. When you finally do head out, tell your kids that God never leaves the room.
3. “Fear doesn’t define you.”
Fear whispers things that challenge reality. Fear can make danger seem greater than it really is, convince kids they’re incapable of handling tough situations, or even distort how they see themselves. It will tempt them to think they’re weird or that nobody else deals with fear. If this misleading thinking takes root, the fearful cycle keeps churning.
I told my son, “You are not inferior because you have fears. You’re not odd for struggling sometimes. A lot of people do.” That seemed to comfort him. He began to believe it over time. He is no longer “the kid who takes forever to go to bed.” He is the kid who is learning to handle a difficult time of the day and making steady improvement. Fight fear with affirmations.
4. “Fear doesn’t have to control you.”
This was by far the most important thing I told my son. When kids get fearful, they usually default to defense, not offense. They’re battling their feelings, and they’re a formidable opponent. Fear can feel like a ten-foot bear wandered onto their walking trail or a shark surfaced beside their kayak. Just the thought is menacing for kids. Forget overcoming it. They’ll think facing it is impossible. But helping them believe they can prevail matters deeply. They need to know that fear can lose.
My son and I started reading the Bible at night and writing pertinent verses in his journal. One he’s clung to during his most fearful moments is Psalm 34:4, which says, “God delivers me from all my fears.” This doesn’t mean if you mutter the right words in the right order, God will vaporize your fear. It means that when we pray, a loving God promises to hear us and comfort us as we work through our feelings. We learn to face our fears, and they gradually lose their power. Maybe you’ve experienced this. Trusting God doesn’t mean we will never feel afraid. It means fear doesn’t have to control us. Even if it feels unbeatable, it’s truly defeatable with God’s help.
5. “You won’t always be afraid like this.”
What bothers your child now probably won’t forever. You know this is the case, but they may not. It’s important to relate to them to drive home this truth. I chatted with a buddy who experienced the exact same nighttime issues my son is going through. He’s now a perfectly fine, well-adjusted dad himself. It took a while to outgrow his fear, but he eventually did. This is the case for most fearful kids. It just takes time.
How can you help the child who is scared of everything? Reminding them, “This is just a season,” gives them hope. Back up that message with a story about a fear you outgrew. This may not change their current situation, but they’ll see you empathizing. Fearful kids want to feel heard and understood. Do this with patience and kindness. They probably won’t leave this season behind as quickly as you’d like. But as a dad who is starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel, I can tell you the tunnel is usually shorter than you think.
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What should you do when your kid is scared? In this new episode, we unpack how dads can listen, reassure, and build lasting confidence in fearful kids.
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are you most afraid of?”