My middle child just hit a new milestone. He’s playing with the “big kids” in youth hockey. He’s spent a few years in the elementary division, but he is now sharing the ice with middle school kids, some of whom are a head taller. It’s a transition for him, and me, too. I’ve tied his skates before every game he’s ever played, but now I’m wondering how much longer that will continue. It started because originally, his little hands weren’t strong enough to pull the laces tightly. Now, he’s capable, but I’m reluctant to hand off the task. It feels that, if I step out of that locker room, a chapter will close on childhood. I hate that, but I’ve got to let go of the laces and him.
The longer we hold on as dads, the less capable our kids become. We think we’re being helpful by doing things we think they can’t handle. It’s kind, right? Not entirely. It’s delaying growth. It’s stunting maturity. It’s making them weaker. This may all sound super dramatic, considering we’re talking about skate laces, but you’re probably doing things right now that are also preventing your kids from building strength. And I don’t mean just physical strength. Do you realize you may be doing this? Building resilience in children and teaching them that they are capable human beings is something we need to work on. If not, the consequences are dire. Here are 10 ways dads make their kids weaker.
1. Solving Every Problem for Them
My kids ask for help with schoolwork all the time. I can solve for X much faster than they can, but how are they going to learn if I’m holding the pencil? Dads fast-track solutions frequently. When we step in during playground arguments or prevent an impulsive toy purchase, we remove the situations that develop problem-solving skills and resiliency. The result is a less capable kid. Now, if they’re getting hurt, intervene. Or if you see them blowing an obscene amount of money, speak up. But consider the difference between what’s “heavy” and “too heavy” for your kids. Only step in to help when problems become too heavy.
2. Letting Them Quit Too Easily
There are times when it’s OK to let kids quit. But there is value in sticking things out, too. When friendships get complicated or part-time jobs feel demanding, walking away isn’t always the best solution. Instead of giving kids a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card, balance empathy with reassurance. This is where we get to share wisdom.
James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all.” If our kids are considering quitting something, it’s time to share our wisdom. Remind them that discomfort can still have value, character is formed in gritty moments, and life requires perseverance. They may still ultimately quit, but wisdom brings clarity to the choice. Reminding them they can do hard things is one way we start building resilience in children.
3. Over-Praising Them
Dads should definitely consider what 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says—“Encourage one another and build each other up.” But there is a difference between being encouraging and giving them praise for every little thing. Saying things like “You’re the best artist ever” after every drawing, or celebrating expected behavior, can unintentionally teach kids to rely on external validation or to anticipate rewards. Both make them weaker because they’ll get the false impression that they are already amazing, so why bother maturing, improving, or learning? Celebrate character, effort, and growth often, but not every accomplishment deserves exaggerated praise.
4. Managing Responsibilities They Should Own
I do not pack my daughter’s music notebook anymore. She knows it’s her job to bring her instrument and sheet music to lessons. We arrived once without them, and her teacher wasn’t happy. Dads weaken their kids when we take responsibility for things they should own. I could have double-checked before we left, but I didn’t because we’d talked about how that was her responsibility. If your kids are younger, show them some grace as you try to teach responsibility. As they age, back off and let them take over.
5. Shielding Them From Failure
I remember being angry as a kid when I’d see classmates’ science projects. Mine looked sloppy because I did them on my own. Many of theirs looked perfect. Clearly, their parents helped. I wonder if they were worried the kid might fail without help. If so, that’s a big mistake. Failure is one of life’s greatest gifts for kids. Parents don’t always see it that way. Getting back up after inevitable struggles makes kids stronger, but with the prevalence of helicopter and bulldozer parenting, kids aren’t given that chance. Blocking them from experiencing the consequences of failure may spare embarrassment or hurt feelings today, but it also prevents maturity tomorrow. After failing, kids get to choose to fold or persevere. Building resilience in children means encouraging them to try things that may be unsuccessful.
6. Making Life Too Comfortable
Making life too easy is similar to shielding them from failure, but with a distinct difference. Failure assumes they’ve tried something hard. Comfort sets in when kids aren’t challenged. They settle into comfort, like engaging with people online instead of in person, because being around people involves relational risk. If things go sideways online, you can just ghost someone. Face-to-face conflict requires us to deal with uncomfortable moments. Given the choice, many kids would never leave their comfort zone. We talked about this in Episode 114 of the All Pro Dad podcast. Constant entertainment, convenience, and instant solutions can train kids to expect comfort instead of learning endurance, patience, and grit. Kids who get too comfortable never develop the desire to grow.
7. Giving Them Everything They Want
My family was walking through a gift shop when my 6-year-old spotted something she had to have—a gem-studded tiara. She pleaded for one. She even showed me her puppy dog eyes. I knew already she had a few at home, so I said, “Not this time.” Within an hour, she’d forgotten all about it.
Giving in and saying “yes” to every request could spoil them. They might begin to think that getting what they want requires little effort. There is value in denying yourself and waiting for things you want. It’s fun to give our kids gifts, but if we give them everything they ask for, the distinctiveness and special feelings that come with them will wear off.
8. Removing the Need to Work Hard
My son wanted to buy a 3D printer, but he only had about half the money needed. I told him I’d front him the difference, but he needed to pay back what he owed. He agreed. Could I have just bought it for him? Yes. But the lesson stuck because I required him to work. He’s almost done paying it off now and is eager to hit that goal.
Proverbs 13:4 says, “Lazy people want much but get little, but those who work hard will prosper.” Our kids need to put in sweat, time, and effort to get what they want because gratitude follows effort. There’s usually a payoff for hard work. I want my kids to give full effort.
9. Making Every Decision for Them
My daughter wanted to set up a lemonade stand in our front yard, and I caught myself doing a lot of the decision-making. Where should we leave signs? How much should we charge? I was too hands-on. I stepped back and let her make decisions so she could learn what worked and what didn’t.
Kids need opportunities to have creative control. That doesn’t happen when Dad is calling all the shots. She made a few bucks selling drinks and learned how to count our change. More importantly, she learned she didn’t need me to think for her. Let your kids do things and watch how capable they really are.
10. Not Trusting God With Their Lives
Kids will face challenges, disappointments, and sometimes situations that feel beyond their ability to handle. Developing a trust in God for their lives helps them know they aren’t alone as they navigate their way through life. It gives them wisdom as they discern decisions. As James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” Knowing this gives kids a sense of peace that a loving God is with them.
However, their trust in God is often dependent on our level of trust in God. So, the question we need to ask ourselves is, do we trust God with our kids’ lives? Every attempt to micromanage our kids and grab for control to limit risks, ensure a pain-free life, and good outcomes communicates that we don’t trust God with their lives, and so neither should they. Ultimately, it leaves kids feeling more uneasy and anxious about the course of their lives.
Sound off: In what areas of your life are you building resilience in children?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to be weak?”