5 Ways a Dad Doesn’t Act Like a Dad

In The Lord of the Rings, the great city of Gondor is governed by a Steward, who rules in place of an absent king. During the great events of this story, the Steward has two sons, Boromir and Faramir. We learn that although both were noble and honorable soldiers, they had very different experiences with their father. Boromir was publicly praised and trusted with great responsibilities by their father, while Faramir (through no fault of his own) was constantly critiqued and compared to his brother. While Faramir lived in Gondor and served under the direction of his father, their relationship wasn’t much like a family.

Faramir’s struggle to have any sort of relationship with his dad is like many father-child relationships today. A man can work hard to provide for his family but still fail to act like a father when he is at home. Here are 5 ways a dad doesn’t act like a dad.

1. When You Constantly Criticize Your Kids

As a dad, there are times you need to correct your kids to help them grow into virtuous people and responsible members of society. But if you always react with sighs and frustration and all you do is criticize, you’re making your kids feel insecure. As a dad, you should teach your kids rather than nitpick everything they do. This means that sometimes you need to bite your tongue and hold back the criticism. Give them the chance to fail, learn from their mistakes, and use those moments to talk with your kids about how they might approach a situation differently next time.

2. When You Consistently Prioritize Other Things

One of the biggest ways a dad doesn’t act like a dad is making his kid the third or fourth most important thing in his life. There might be seasons when work is really demanding. Or you just want to spend time with your buddies or watch the game. But these should be the exception, not the rule. If it seems like other things are often taking the place of time spent with your own kids, make sure there are other moments when they know they are your priority. Put down your phone, leave work early, shut off the game and shoot hoops or have a tea party with your kid.

3. When You Overreact

Dads have bad days too. If you’re in a busy time at work or working through hard times with extended family or friends, the stress can start to build up inside. Sadly, it’s easy to carry those feelings home with you. If you don’t manage your own stress well, a small screw-up from your kid is likely to set you off. If you find yourself making a big deal about something that shouldn’t be a big deal, you’re putting the weight of your stress onto their shoulders. Work on regulating your own stress and emotions, and when you overreact in these moments, make sure you apologize and do the work to heal your relationship with your kid.

4. When You Avoid Hard Conversations

You may be tempted to leave discipline and big parenting decisions to your wife. You might be tempted to avoid a certain topic because it’ll make you or your kid uncomfortable. One way a dad doesn’t act like a dad is by avoiding these hard conversations. Instead, push through the awkwardness and engage with your kids on the things that really matter: things like relationships, “the talk,” discipline, religion, politics, and morality. They don’t always show it, but your kids want to know what you think and believe.

5. When You Usually Put Yourself First

Selfishness is one of the more toxic examples a man can give his kids. When you’re up at midnight and you eat the last of the cookies, or you take time for yourself without asking what the kids need, that’s an example of this kind of dad. Remember that your kids are going to learn more from your example as much or more than they do from your words. When you choose to leave the biggest piece of cake for your kids to share or get another year out of your old truck so your kid can go to that tournament, you’re giving them a lot more than dessert or a memory. You’re giving them an example of what it means to be selfless and to love your family well.

Sound off: What are some other ways a dad doesn’t act like a dad?