I could always tell who was going to struggle on our NFL teams. The guy who was critical or quick to put others down—even if he was super talented—wouldn’t last long. Nobody wanted to be around someone like that. Building solid relationships is hard, and with a negative attitude, he’d poison the few relationships he did have. The funny thing is, I’ve learned over the years that locker rooms function a lot like our homes.
If we act like that talented but condescending player at home, we’ll slowly alienate our most important teammate—our wife. Every word we say to and around her matters, and not just because she matters. If what we say dismisses, belittles, or disregards our wives, then our kids have just been given permission to do the same. Here are 5 things dads must stop saying in marriage.
1. “Whatever you want, it doesn’t matter to me.”
I get it. We may not actually care about the color of a new rug. But deferring is disengaging. When we say some variation of “Whatever you want,” we’re being indecisive and passing on responsibility. We don’t want our wives (or kids) thinking what matters to them isn’t important or that we’d rather not do any heavy lifting. You’re in a partnership. Don’t give your family the chance to think it’s lopsided. Not everything has to be 50–50, but saying this feels like 90–10, which heaps an unnecessary burden on your wife and tells your kids responsibilities don’t need to be shared.
Instead, say: “I trust your judgment.” If she specifically asks for your opinion, add, “Let’s look at the options together.”
2. “Why are you getting so upset?”
We have all said something to hurt our wives’ feelings. The worst thing you can say after this is, “Why are you getting so upset?” especially if your tone is critical. Tone matters here. If you’re caring, this will land better.
Maybe you think she’s overreacting. Maybe you don’t see why this has risen to a “big deal.” None of that matters more than her feelings in the moment, and when we question the authenticity or legitimacy of her emotions, we’ve created a bigger problem. Her feelings are valid. Stifling them is dismissive and hints that you think some emotions are acceptable while others should be stuffed down or ignored.
Instead, say: “I can see you’re upset. Help me understand what I’m missing.”
3. “I’ll do it later.”
You’re in the middle of watching a game on Thursday night, and your wife asks you to help with the dishes. Too often, “I’ll do it later” turns into “I never got around to it.” “Later” is an ambiguous word and definitely what not to say to your wife. It also clearly displays your priorities. The more often you put off things that are important to your wife, the more you communicate to her that your interests trump hers.
Instead, say: “I will get to this as soon as I can” or “Please remind me in five minutes.” Sometimes you really are busy, but try to set a time to accomplish things that would bless your family.
4. “I’m just joking—relax.”
Have you ever blurted out something that sounded hilarious in your head but landed like a jab? I think we all have. When husbands do this, they cross over from kidding to crushing. It wounds. To make it plain, if your wife isn’t laughing, it wasn’t a joke.
Instead, say: “I’m sorry. That was intended to be funny, but I can see it hurt you.” Speak kindly to your wife. Use your words as a shield, not to spear. If you’ve hurt her feelings, take ownership of your mistake.
5. “Must be nice.”
If this is your response when your wife gets a break, goes out with friends, or buys something for herself, you’ve hinted it’s undeserved. She has or is doing something, and it feels unnecessary to you. All she’ll hear is resentment or jealousy or assume she isn’t worthy.
Instead, say: “You really deserve this break.” Rest is good for everyone. Don’t make your wife feel guilty about hers.
Sound off: When are you most likely to say something you regret to your wife?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How do we know our words are powerful?”