I’ll be honest. There have been seasons in our marriage when I kept score. I’d give myself points if I did extra chores. I took away points from my wife, Nancie, if she didn’t do what I thought she should. I’m sure it started in a small way, perhaps when I was frustrated or confused about life. It made me feel better about myself. I felt justified in who I was and how I was living. But keeping score in a relationship is playing a game nobody wins, and nothing good comes from it. In fact, it’s often a marriage-killing trap that we need to stay away from.
I work a lot with couples, and I’ve noticed that the best spouses don’t keep score. They selflessly, sacrificially, and faithfully love their person without looking for something in return. You may be wondering if you are keeping score in your marriage. There are some signs to look for. Here are 5 signs you’re keeping score in your marriage.
1. You use the words “always” or “never” in your arguments.
I’m not proud of it, but I have waited until I had enough “evidence” to make my case. I’d watch Nancie leave her dishes in the sink and keep a mental note. Then I dropped the “you always…” or “you never…” like I was presenting my closing argument. You know what happened? Nancie did not hear my frustration about the dishes. She heard, “You are failing, and I have been keeping track.” Be honest. When you use words like “always” and “never,” you’re tallying failures. Using them does not invite connection.
2. You make a mental list of what you do compared to what they don’t do.
I’ve sat on the couch and mentally built my case for why I deserved a break or why Nancie should be more grateful. She had no idea I was keeping score. Even if she did, I’m sure the number of points allotted to both sides was less than accurate.
If your inner monologue sounds like a personal highlight reel, you are keeping score. This one is sneaky because it happens entirely in your head. You are not saying anything out loud. You are just quietly keeping track. I took out the trash. Made breakfast. Scheduled the dentist appointments. And while you are running through your list, you are also running through hers. She slept in. Forgot to text back. Left her coffee cup on the counter. Again.
3. You hold back your affection until they earn it.
This one hits close to home. There have been times when I felt hurt or frustrated with Nancie, but instead of saying something, I just…withdrew. I wasn’t cold, exactly. Just a little less warm. A little more distant. My inner monologue would say that I was protecting myself, but really, I was punishing her. If she didn’t say or do the right thing, I held back. Love became a reward instead of a connection.
Here’s what I learned: When you hold back love until your spouse “earns” it, you turn your marriage into a performance review. And nobody thrives in a relationship where they are constantly being evaluated.
4. You bring up past failures during your current conflicts.
Oh, I have been guilty of this one. Nancie and I would be talking about something small, and suddenly I would bring up something she had done three months earlier. Or last year. Or that one time in 2017. I had a mental filing cabinet full of past mistakes, and when I needed ammunition, I knew exactly where to find each file.
But when you bring old stuff up during new conflicts, you’re not trying to resolve anything. You’re trying to win. You’re keeping score in your relationship. Every time you pull out one of those old mistakes, not only are you pointing out their failures, but you’re also telling them, “I have not forgiven you, and I am still keeping track.”
5. You feel like you’re owed something for being a good spouse.
I used to think that if I helped clean up after dinner, Nancie should thank me. If I planned a date night, she should get excited. If I were patient during a hard week, she should acknowledge it. I was keeping score, and I expected my investment to pay off. Scorekeeping always expects a payout. If you do enough, your spouse owes you something in return.
But marriage does not work like that. Marriage is not a transaction. It’s a partnership. And when you start expecting a payout for being a good spouse, you stop serving out of love and start serving out of obligation, or worse, resentment. When you keep score in marriage and keep track of who owes what, it’s hard to have a relationship that’s generous, joyful, or free.
Stop keeping score in your relationship. Instead of racing to prove fairness, race to show kindness. Instead of keeping a running tally, keep a running posture of being on the same team. Because marriage isn’t about pretending things are fair. It’s about deciding that fairness is not the goal. A strong, connected marriage is.
Sound off: What are some other possible ways people keep score in marriage?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Where in our relationship have we been keeping score?”