Early in our marriage, I had a gift for explaining. If my wife, Nancie, told me that something I said hurt her, I’d launch into a detailed, fully illustrated, TED Talk-level explanation of how she heard me wrong. I could defend my intent, walk her through every step of my logic, and close the case. Every single time, I “won.” And every single time, she shut down. So, even though technically I won the argument, I lost her heart in the process.
At some point, I had to figure out how to stop arguing with my spouse, or at least how to argue differently. I had to slow down and ask myself questions I was not excited to answer: Why did being right matter so much to me? Was it worth the distance it created? How could I fix this? If you’re in the same boat as I was, here are 5 ways to stop arguing with your spouse.
1. Recognize the true reason you argue.
The truth is, my need to be right was rarely about the actual issue. It was usually about something underneath. Maybe I felt embarrassed, or I felt misunderstood. Maybe I didn’t like the idea that I might have messed up. It was not about the truth. It was about an insecurity or wound I was wrestling with inside myself.
Here’s the thing I’ve learned after 30 years of marriage: If you want to know how to stop arguing with your spouse, you need to look in the mirror. Dig deep and see if you can figure out the real reason you need to be right in this moment.
2. Ask yourself if being right is more important than being connected.
Honestly, most of the time, connection is the thing that actually matters. Not always, but often. I have learned that you can win an argument and still lose something important. Because even when I’m right about the facts of what I said or did, I might still miss what really matters most—that I hurt someone I love.
So if you want to figure out how to stop arguing with your spouse, slow down, listen, and let her feelings matter. If you can let go of your extreme need to be right at all costs, you will end up with something so much better: a strong connection with your wife who feels seen and heard.
3. Consider if this will matter in a week, a month, or a year.
Most of what we argue about? It’s small. It feels huge in the moment, but when we zoom out, it’s obviously not. The key is to pause and ask yourself if you’ll even remember this next month. The answer is usually no.
But you know what you will remember, and what she will too? How you made her feel. Whether you chose her or chose to be right. Almost nothing matters in a week, a month, or a year as much as your wife and the connection you have with her.
4. Decide if you’re willing to let this one go, for the good of the team.
When I’m honest with myself, my need to be right is almost always about protecting my ego. It’s about avoiding feelings of inadequacy or admitting I messed up. It’s not about standing up for truth or justice or anything noble. It’s just me, not wanting to feel bad about myself.
Take some time to reflect on why you are actually fighting this battle. If you can’t think of one good reason or the reason is more about you and how you feel than the argument or your wife, then maybe it’s best to let this argument go for the good of the team, and for the sake of your marriage.
5. Notice what changes when you let go.
When I tried to let things go instead of launching into my defense, I started saying things like, “I’m sorry. I can see I hurt you. You’re more important to me than being right about this.” And you know what happened? Nancie didn’t feel the need to shut down as much. She leaned in. Our arguments got shorter. Our connection got deeper.
Try choosing connection over being right. Then watch how it transforms your marriage and finally helps you figure out how to stop arguing with your spouse.
Sound off: When you think about how to stop arguing with your spouse, do you think choosing connection over being right might help?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “In our last argument, did you feel more like I wanted to connect with you or defend myself?”