Comedian Leanne Morgan has a bit about Christmas that hits a little too close to home: “I don’t mean to sound like everything falls on me. But everything falls on me. I do all the decorating, the cooking, the cleaning, the wrapping, the shopping.” Last Christmas Eve, her husband finally asked if he could help with anything. Her answer: “I’m gonna beat you to death.” I laughed, but then I thought I deserved to be beaten to death. I’ve been that husband asking the almost-right question at absolutely the wrong time.
That’s one of the reasons December can be so full of tension for couples. So often wives end up doing all things Christmas while the rest of her family just has to show up for it. Nobody notices until they do. Avoiding fights with your wife at Christmas starts with answers that come from questions asked long before the 24th. It starts with us showing up together to face a season that seems to be designed to take us out. It starts with how we divide the season, not just the day. Here are 5 ways to avoid fighting with your wife at Christmas.
1. Plan Christmas together instead of asking how you can help.
“How can I help?” on December 24th isn’t helpful. It’s a good way to find yourself kicked out of the house. The right play is to ask weeks earlier while you still both have a little joy. Sit down and actually divide the list—who’s buying whose gifts, who’s handling whose in-laws—before you end up feeling like roommates splitting chores instead of a couple. Many of us guys never try the divide-and-conquer method until the 23rd rolls around. And that is too late, no matter whose watch you’re wearing. Ask early. Work the plan. It’s exactly how to avoid fighting with your wife at Christmas.
2. Be nicer and more fun than you feel like being.
December asks a lot, and patience can run thin by day three. Am I asking you to fake happy? A little, and your wife might appreciate it if you do. Dig a little deeper for patience and play than you really have left. Your wife can tell the difference between a husband who’s checked out and one who’s tired but still trying. Grumpy dads suck the life out of the room, while fun dads give it. You’re the boss of your mood. Pick one you want your wife and kids to remember.
3. Create mini-dates instead of adding one more thing to the calendar.
December calendars fill up fast: work parties, school programs, family functions. Time as a couple? That’s funny. Maybe don’t worry about date night and create anytime mini-dates instead. If possible, put the kids in the other room, and tell them you need 15-30 minutes to create a surprise for them. Make cookies, just the two of you. Put up outdoor lights, just the two of you. Wrap one early present, just the two of you. Then do a grand reveal. Those few minutes can do more for your marriage than another big plan you probably can’t pull off anyway.
4. Say the number before the fight happens.
Money fights spike in December, and most of them aren’t really about money; they’re about expectations. Agree on a number for gifts and how many things you’re saying yes to this season. Deciding early is one of the best ways to avoid fighting with your wife at Christmas because you’re planning now instead of struggling later. All Pro Dad has a good rundown of other arguments worth heading off early, and money tops the list for a reason.
5. Don’t be a killjoy. Get excited about what excites her.
If she loves a real tree, pictures in matching pajamas, or watching It’s a Wonderful Life for the 100th time, get excited with her instead of acting like the Grinch. It costs you nothing to smile through the tenth rewatch, and it tells her a lot. Half of avoiding fights with your wife at Christmas is this: Be the guy who loves watching his wife love what she loves.
Sound off: What’s one thing you and your wife do together every December that actually works?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “When can we sit down and talk about dividing up Christmas?”