One of the things that’s so difficult with parenting is that you don’t get a beta test. There’s no trial run at this. It’s almost impossible to prepare for every decision you will have to make that will have long-term implications on your kids’ lives. In this way, it’s easy to have regrets. We look back and think, “If I had to do it over, I would change things.”
Well, a few years ago, my wife and I took another stab at this parenting thing. It’s not exactly a do-over; our biological kids are in their 20s, and there’s no going back and changing their experience of us as their parents. However, with our two adopted sons, we are having the opportunity to look back on what we’ve learned over twenty-plus years of parenting and ask, “What would we change?” In that vein, here are 5 things we’re embracing in our parenting “do over.”
1. Live at the library.
There are myriad benefits to reading to your children, including increased literacy, empathy, and even parental bonding. But why go to the library? Your local library has a ton of free resources to help you and your children grow in your love of reading, but it will also foster a deeper connection to your local community. There are regular events, seminars, and often remarkable staff who love that your kids are there (Newsflash: Librarians aren’t in it for the money). In frequenting your local library, you’re both expanding your kids’ world and strengthening their local connections.
2. Stay close to “family.”
When we were first married, living close to family wasn’t on my radar. Work determined where we lived. However, this left us feeling disconnected and, at times, isolated. This time around, we live close to my wife’s family. We frequent the restaurant her sister owns and regularly spend time on their family farm. Our young children have a deep sense of rootedness in relationship to many people who love them deeply, not just their mother and me. While not everyone can choose to live close to biological family, we can all work to build extended family through friends, church communities, and neighbors. One of the keys to being a good parent is knowing you need a network.
3. Say “no” to doing too much.
When my son became an adult, we were chatting, and he said, “Dad, I’ve been talking with my therapist about taking better care of myself. You and Mom didn’t set a very good example in that area.” After fighting back the initial defensiveness, I had to admit he was right. We had a habit of making ourselves way too busy. Whether it was work, family, church, or neighbors, we always said “yes.” Everyone liked us for it, but we were exhausted and our kids often just got dragged along. It turns out, we weren’t just passing on bad habits, but destructive ones. My son helped me to realize how to be a good parent by learning to say “no,” even to good things.
4. Give myself (and my wife) grace.
When we first had kids, we had pretty high standards. As a matter of fact, we expected to be perfect. I mean, we didn’t literally think we’d never make a mistake, but we certainly acted like it. We read the parenting books, took the classes, judged other parents, and stressed about every choice for our kids, from what they ate to who they played with. We also fought a lot about those choices. Of course, as we look back on those years, it’s clear that despite our best efforts, we made lots of mistakes, and yet our kids turned out pretty great. This has led us to believe that learning how to be a good parent is at least in part about learning to surrender a false sense of control. It doesn’t mean we care less about parenting well this time around. We’re just a lot easier on ourselves and others.
5. Take ownership of their spiritual formation.
Early on, I largely outsourced my kids’ spiritual development. Because most of mine growing up came through formalized church programming, I assumed the same would be true for my kids. We certainly discussed spiritual things at home, but it was kind of a side quest. I expected others would handle that (even as I pastored a church). My primary concern was more how my children acted toward us and others. But it became clear over the years that simply hoping others would pick up the mantle and run with it was foolish. It created a much shallower faith experience for my kids than I wish they would’ve had. And unfortunately, this attitude is pretty typical according to Barna’s research.
However, this time around, we’re taking ownership. We’re taking the Apostle Paul seriously when he tells fathers to “bring them [children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). The ones primarily responsible for my children’s spiritual formation aren’t their Sunday school teacher, youth leader, or small group leader. It’s us. It’s our responsibility to train up our children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6). My wife and I are more committed than ever to making our kids’ spiritual formation a core focus of our parenting efforts through daily conversations, the books we read, praying with them, and, yes, church attendance. Of course it doesn’t guarantee anything. But it places the responsibility where it belongs.
Sound off: What would you like to change about your current parenting strategy? What’s keeping you from that change?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “If you could change one thing about how we parent, what would it be?”