7 Ways to Stop Taking It Out on Your Wife

I was at a friend’s birthday party, hosted by a couple I didn’t know very well. While walking around to check on my wife, I overheard the host couple having an argument. The husband said, “You need to stop acting like a crazy person.” There was no humor in it. He was angry. Later, I thought about it. Imagine if he’d said something like that to his boss, his best friend, or even a stranger. So why would he say that to his person? Before you hear me being too judgy, I’ll admit I’ve said things to my wife Nancie that would sound just as bad if someone overheard them.

We’ve all heard the phrase “taking it out on your wife,” but most of us never stop to ask what “it” actually is. It’s the frustration, insecurity, and fear we don’t want to carry, so we take it out on our wife instead. Funny enough, our boss can make us just as angry, but somehow we tap into a reserve of self-control because our job is on the line. At home, nothing seems to hang in the balance, so we let it go. But there is so much that hangs in the balance. She stops feeling safe. And our kids are watching how a man treats a woman. That’s the thing about managing anger in marriage: It isn’t optional; it’s essential. Here are 7 ways to stop taking it out on your wife and start managing anger in marriage before it costs you something you can’t get back.

1. Use the reserve you already have.

We have self-control. We use it every day with a coworker who annoys us, a customer who’s rude, a coach who makes a bad call… OK, maybe not that one. But that reserve is real; we just haven’t been tapping into it at home. We can control ourselves around our wives exactly like we control ourselves around everyone else. The difference isn’t ability. We lose our tempers with her because we can. And because we can is the very reason we shouldn’t.

2. Ask where the “it” is really coming from.

Anger is rarely about who forgot to run the dishwasher or the comment she made in front of your friends. Pay attention to when your reaction is way bigger than the moment. Before you react, get curious about what’s underneath. Are you tired? Stressed about money? Feeling disrespected somewhere else and taking it out on her because you can? Managing anger in marriage starts with getting honest about who or what is actually setting you off.

3. Ask who taught you that was OK.

Whoever taught us to raise our voice, shut down, or say cutting things when we’re upset—whether it was our dad, a coach, or just years of watching men handle conflict badly—it wasn’t OK then, and it’s not OK now. We don’t have to keep passing it down. We get to decide it stops with us. Our kids are watching how we handle anger right now, and they’ll either repeat it or unlearn it because of what they saw in us.

4. Choose a good boyfriend response.

Think back to how you treated your wife when you were dating. You were patient. You gave her the benefit of the doubt. You didn’t want her to see your worst side. That guy is still in there. When you feel the heat rising, ask yourself what a good boyfriend would say right now, and say that instead.

5. Be ridiculously forgiving.

Not because she doesn’t mess up; she does, we all do, but because ridiculous forgiveness changes the temperature of a home. When we let go of small offenses quickly and generously, we’re not being weak. We’re building a marriage where both of us can be imperfect without fear. To be clear, this is about the small stuff: tone, snapping, short fuses. If what you’re dealing with is bigger than that, forgiveness might only be part of the answer, and getting professional help is a must.

6. Don’t make small deals big deals.

We have a saying at our house: We know tragedy, and this is not it. A wrong turn, a forgotten errand, someone eating the last of the good snacks—these things feel bigger in the moment than they actually are. Before you escalate, ask yourself honestly where this ranks on the scale of things that actually matter. Most of the time it barely registers.

7. Take a breath.

A pause is powerful, and it’s not just a feeling; it’s backed by research. A single session of deep, slow breathing has been shown to slow your heart rate, relax the body, and reduce anxiety. This is the same nervous system response that helps calm anger in the moment. A few breaths give us a few moments to check back in with the husband we want to be. It’s a small habit, but it may be the single most effective tool in managing anger in marriage because it interrupts the reaction long enough for you to choose love.

We will mess up. All of us will mess up. None of us handle this perfectly. But every time we catch ourselves before the words come out, or apologize quickly after they do, we’re building something. We’re showing our wives, and our kids, that anger doesn’t get the final say in our homes. Try. Try. Try again. That’s us learning to love our wives today, better than we did yesterday.

Sound off: Where does your anger tend to show up most: in what you say, how loud you get, or how long you stay cold afterward?