I remember when my kids were young, everyone used to say, “Just wait until they’re teenagers!” And then when I actually had four teenagers in the home and people would find out, I would often get the genuine, “Oh, God bless you” or “Wow! How do you do it?” Sometimes, it’d just be wide-eyed shock and silence. There’s a general understanding that having teens—and dealing with all the modern-day teen issues—is just hard. Whether it’s the rebellion or the aloofness or any number of other things, parenting teens is, in fact, difficult.
And yet, some of what I believe is most difficult about having teens is not their bad behavior, but the way they challenge our default behavior as their parents. In so many ways, most of us are inclined to choose parenting that is comfortable, but unhelpful, when presented with challenging teen issues. In that way, our teens’ tendency to frustrate us may actually be an opportunity for growth if we have eyes to see. Here are 7 reasons why teens are the worst (but also the best).
1. They can sniff out insincerity.
One of the difficult conversations I often found myself having with a couple of my kids was around the way they had distanced themselves from their faith. Each time we talked about it, their rationale was typically some version of “That person who calls himself/herself a Christian is just obviously so fake!” I’d often protest, trying to make a case for how they don’t actually know that. But honestly, they were often right. Teens have an incredibly accurate sincerity meter. And it’s not just with outsiders—it’s you too. Whatever it is that you tell your teens, you better be prepared to live it because if you don’t, they’ll call you on it in a second. Which, if you think about it, is actually a real gift.
2. They know things you don’t.
Have you ever had to have your teen explain something to you—like how to use technology or what a certain type of music is or what a word means? Of course you have. If you haven’t, you’ve likely played into the common trope of the adult trying to “be cool” so he doesn’t embarrass himself. The fact is, there’s a whole culture around teens that both feeds, and is fed by, popular culture. This can quickly make adults feel like outsiders. This can, of course, be frustrating. But it can also provide opportunities for you to learn from your teens in ways that build trust.
3. They force you to pay attention.
Paying attention takes energy. And sometimes, you just don’t have it. Unfortunately, that’s when bad things happen. When you’re “too busy” to notice how long he’s spending on his phone, how she’s doing in school, or who their friends are, that’s when things go sideways. And as frustrating as this is, there just aren’t any shortcuts to parenting. If you want to parent well (and of course we all do), there’s no getting around the hard work of paying attention to our teens’ issues. Your teen’s behavior may simply be a symptom of the problem of your lack of attention.
4. They require so much time.
Speaking of teens requiring things of you, time is a big one. If you’re looking for efficiency—the short five-minute coaching session in your kitchen or the 15 minute dinner that transforms her life—you’re hoping for a Hallmark movie, not real life. In real life, your teen will disrupt your plans with a request for transportation, an argument, or a story she’s been dying to tell you. And of course it’s inconvenient, but it’s also the only hope to having an actual relationship with your teen. Efficiency won’t get you there. Taking time will.
5. They break your heart.
To have a teen is to have your heart broken. Whether it’s the thing he screams when he’s angry, the way she ignores you in public, the choices he makes that you fear will have long term consequences, or the pain you watch her go through, teens regularly break your heart. And of course, this is difficult, but it’s also the only possible outcome for loving someone so deeply. To quote C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves, “Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” This is the deal we sign up for as parents. And the opposite of love, as Lewis so brilliantly points out, is not comfort but the heart’s death. No one wants their heart broken, but it is the price of loving so deeply.
6. They challenge your stereotypes.
Teens these days are…fill in the blank. You might believe a teen stereotype until you actually engage with teens. This is, after all, how stereotypes work. There’s a hint of truth—yes, our teens are very self-centered. But it never fits perfectly. Sometimes, they’re remarkably giving, kind, and thoughtful. We can hold onto these stereotypes, but it’s difficult to do so and actually have a real relationship with a teenager. Instead, we need to care about those teen issues that matter to them and get to know our kids at their core. The more we actually get to know them, the more they’ll challenge us to see them as individuals—for better and for worse.
7. They have their own minds.
Let’s say you raised him to be compassionate, religious, and into football. However, he’s turned out to be oblivious of other’s feelings, an atheist, and one who hates sports. It never ceases to amaze us how the children we invest so much time in can grow up to be people who see the world so differently. This can certainly be concerning. After all, we hold the values and beliefs we do because we think they’re true and good. But while we may strongly disagree, we won’t win teens over by mocking or dismissing them. Instead, if we approach them humbly—like we might actually have something to learn from them—we may be surprised by what we discover, and by the bond we can build.
Sound off: What teen issues come up a lot in your household? How do you work through them with your teen?
