My wife felt overlooked. For years, I struggled with marriage boundaries. I couldn’t say “no” when people asked for help. If they needed me to show up, I’d be there, regardless of what was going on in my family. If they needed help financially, I’d argue with her about giving money, even though we were often living paycheck to paycheck. In short, my inability to say “no” to the people around us led to my wife feeling neglected and overlooked. I didn’t want her to feel that way, but I just couldn’t say “no.”
“No” is one of the simplest words to pronounce, but one of the hardest to say. Why? It requires discipline, often resulting in putting off something you want or that is rewarding in the moment in the hope of a long-term benefit. For a long time, I couldn’t put off the short-term benefit of people liking me for the sake of the long-term goal of healthy boundaries and a wife who felt valued. I had to learn (and am still learning) how to say no. But it’s not just to people, we need to learn to say no to many things. Here are 7 no’s you need to say in marriage.
1. No fantasizing.
Fantasizing is easy, but dangerous. Studies show that brain activity when you fantasize about something and actually do it is not the same, but it is similar. What you fantasize about can begin to influence how you engage with reality. Fantasizing about a person other than your wife, while it certainly doesn’t always lead to an affair, does often lead to unhealthy comparison, expectations, and also discontent. In setting marriage boundaries, choosing to guard your mind against fantasies is a critical step in learning to build real intimacy with the real-life person you’re married to.
2. No secrets.
I don’t think your wife needs to know everything you did today. She doesn’t need to look at your phone or glance at your browser history before you go to bed each night. She doesn’t need a rundown of everything you purchased. However, you should be fine with her knowing any of those things. The important thing in marriage is not that you know everything about each other, but that there’s nothing you can’t know. Keeping a secret is about protecting yourself. It involves hiding and potentially deceiving. This creates distance between you and your wife and sets you up for hurt and erosion of trust in the long run, whether she finds out or not.
3. No going to bed angry.
There’s a Scripture verse that says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” When taken literally, this might seem arbitrary. Why is handling the issue before bedtime so important? What if the argument happens as you’re pulling the covers up and turning out the lights? While we could argue about whether that’s meant to be literal, I think the main point is not to let anger fester. Deal with it. Otherwise, it becomes bitterness and resentment. So if your wife does something to tick you off, don’t walk around fuming; talk to her. You may need some time to cool off, but don’t put it off too long. Address it quickly and refuse to let resentment take hold.
4. No disconnecting.
One of the primary tasks of marriage is to remain connected. Therefore, one of the key marriage boundaries is protection from disconnection. You need to say “no” to any move in that direction. What does disconnection look like? It’s likely as much internal as external. Disconnection looks like tuning out when she’s talking to you, physically and emotionally withdrawing, focusing more on the kids than on each other, going to bed at separate times, and prioritizing your own interests over spending time with your spouse. And choosing disconnection is a fast track to discontent, distance, and loneliness in marriage. As hard as it is to stay connected when you’re angry or hurt, it’s essential for the long-term health of the marriage that you choose to do so.
5. No to just going through the motions.
One of the critical marriage boundaries is refusing to simply go through the motions. The longer you’re married, the easier it is to fall into patterns. You eat dinner together, kiss each other good night, go on date nights, maybe even have rhythms of when you’ll have sex. All of this can be great, unless it becomes routine. By “routine,” I mean it becomes the kind of thing you do without putting much thought into why or how you do it. You just do it. This is dangerous because you begin to take for granted what’s good and beautiful about your relationship. Instead, work to be present, creative, and playful as much as possible.
6. No making assumptions.
One of the dangers of knowing someone really well for a long period of time is that you begin to think you know what she’s thinking. You make assumptions. And of course, sometimes these assumptions will be right because you know her well. But sometimes you’ll be wrong. Because just like you, your wife is an actual person who is learning, growing, and, yes, even changing. Work to stay curious, listen well, and avoid making assumptions. It’s more work on the front end, but you’ll spend much less time cleaning up messes brought on by your incorrect assumptions.
7. No putting off until tomorrow.
There are certain things that you should never punt to another more convenient time: reconciling after an argument, sitting with your wife as she struggles with grief or hurt or loss, doing what you said you would do when you said you would do it, saying I love you. I’m sure you can think of some other things, but there is never a better time than the present for the things that matter most. Don’t allow busyness or laziness or the game you really want to watch steal the opportunity to do what’s most important and necessary right now.
Sound off: What other marriage boundaries do you think are critical to set?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What would you say are marriage boundaries we do a good job setting, and where could we do better?”