Lee walked into my office and grabbed a chair. You could tell something was on his mind. “I had a breakthrough with my wife.” He said this with almost a surprised undertone to his voice. “I’ve been talking with her about going on this trip to Argentina, where my family is from, for years, but she’s never wanted to. Finally, I said, “You know, it’s really OK. This isn’t your dream, it’s mine. I’m just going to go by myself this year.” And I meant it!” But then Lee smiled. “Weird thing is, a week later she came to me and said she decided she wanted to go with me.”
Lee’s experience reminded me of some things I’d learned (with the help of a great therapist) about ways to improve marriage. Turns out, sometimes the challenges we’re facing are best approached in ways that almost seem backward, because it’s about us and not the relationship itself. Here are 5 counterintuitive moves to improve your marriage.
1. Say what you really think (disagree well).
Sometimes, when you’re looking for ways to improve your marriage, the best place to start is saying what you really think, even if it raises conflict. How can that be? Isn’t it best to filter what you say to keep the peace? Sometimes, yes, but a marriage at its best is about two people who maintain their distinctiveness, yet stay connected and work for the good of the other. To be a distinct person means you don’t always see eye to eye with your wife, and wanting the best for your marriage means being honest about that. Of course honesty will occasionally cause conflict, but that friction can also lead to growth and appreciation of one another. In the end, being respectfully honest leads to deeper intimacy, because you can’t really know someone who only agrees with you.
2. Step back (care for yourself).
You can’t care well for another person if you’ve got nothing to give. Certainly, you can go too far in the “care for yourself” mentality. But often the problem is the opposite. We’re told it’s not about us, and so we find ourselves regularly saying “no” to things that bring us joy because we feel obligated to put those off for the responsibilities that stare us in the face. However, it isn’t a zero-sum game. You can prioritize your wife and kids while also making sure you get space to connect with friends, exercise, get some sleep, or read a good book. You probably can’t take all the time you want, but you need to get some time to step back and care for yourself so that you have what you need to care for those around you.
3. Don’t speak (listen).
Sometimes we think the most important thing in a relationship is to be understood. “If only my wife knew what I thought about this.” Or worse, “If only my wife knew how wrong she was.” And, of course, being understood is important. However, as the prayer of St. Francis asks, “Grant that I may not so much seek…to be understood as to understand.” Why? Because if you’re looking for ways to improve your marriage, you always start with the question, “How do I love my wife well?” And you can’t really know how to love her if you don’t know what she wants or needs. To connect, you have to understand. To understand, you must shut up and listen.
4. Don’t take marriage seriously (laugh).
Marriage is serious stuff. It’s so serious, we’ve got to learn to laugh. Irish dramatist Sean O’Casey once said, “Laughter is wine for the soul—the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.” Likewise, I think laughter in marriage is a reminder that this marriage is worth building. When we laugh at ourselves, at our situations, at our silliness in our arguments, at our missteps and successes, we create a connection with each other. Laughter is an invitation to collective joy, even when times are hard. Laughter is a reminder that we better not take any of this too seriously because it’s much too important for that.
5. Work long hours (at marriage).
One of the biggest signs that a marriage is heading in the wrong direction is when one or both people are done working. All marriages take some work. Most marriages take a lot of work. But all valuable things are costly. And if you’re looking for ways to improve marriage, you’ve got to be willing to put in work. This might mean doing the hard work of listening, closing the laptop or putting down the phone, dealing with your own brokenness so you can better partner with her, and carving out time to be present for her. There are lots of ways that you might choose to work to better your marriage, but in every case, the return is well worth it.
Sound off: What are other ways to improve marriage that you’ve been putting into practice?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What is one change you think we could make to improve our marriage?”