Bart Millard grew up with an abusive father. After Bart became a grown man, his father changed, repented for what he had done, and reconciled with Bart. When his dad passed away from cancer, Bart wrote the song “I Can Only Imagine,” which eventually reached five-times platinum. Then Bart became a father himself, and though he had reconciled with his father, he never had a good model of fatherhood. He was unsure how to do it well, despite his deep desire to be a great dad.
Fatherhood is hard, especially when you haven’t had a good role model. What made Bart’s experience more challenging was that his son Sam had diabetes. Bart lived in constant fear that something would happen to him. He would also get frustrated with Sam for not taking care of himself. All of this caused tension between the two and made it difficult to connect. Bart felt lost. Their story is part of the new movie I Can Only Imagine 2. Have you ever felt like Bart? You can’t figure out the right ways to connect with your child. And though you want to be closer, for some reason, you’re having trouble. Here are 5 things to do when you’re struggling to connect with your kid.
1. Initiate, but don’t force it.
When you’re having trouble connecting, you may feel pressure to solve the problem quickly. Connecting with your kids involves building trust, and that takes time. You’re not going to make a connection by buying gifts, grilling them with questions, or smothering them with your time. Be present but not overbearing. Ask questions, but don’t interrogate. Initiate, but don’t apply pressure.
2. Be grateful for the child you have.
As parents, we can get a picture in our minds of who our kids should be or how life as a parent should look. Those expectations can cause us to put undue pressure on our kids to look, act, and perform a certain way. Be honest about whether or not you’ve done that. Most of us are guilty to some degree. Being a dad is a gift, even when it’s challenging. Let go of your expectations, be grateful, and embrace your child for who they are. That doesn’t mean we don’t instill values and help mold and shape them. But the point should be to help them mature and grow, not fit into some ideal in your mind.
3. Find common ground.
One of the best ways to connect with your child is to find a common interest. In the movie I Can Only Imagine 2, Bart and his son Sam bond over their love of music. Do you and your child like the same types of movies or shows? Do you have similar humor? Do you both like to travel? Find those things the two of you like and do them together. If you are having trouble finding common ground, take an interest in what your son or daughter likes. My friend Bobby’s daughter loves to read, so he read the Harry Potter books with her. It gave them plenty to talk about.
4. Do stuff together.
Sitting down and talking one-on-one can be difficult for a kid, especially today, when kids have less face-to-face interaction than we did. One of the best ways to encourage conversation is to do something together, side by side. Whether it’s working on the car, pulling weeds, lifting weights, driving around town, making music, shooting hoops, or throwing a baseball, doing an activity with your child provides connection and creates an environment where it’s easier for kids to open up.
5. Listen with your ears and your eyes.
If you want to connect with your kid, especially on a deeper level, you have to hear what’s happening in their heart. It’s not just the words they say, it’s the tone they use, their posture, and their facial expressions. Everyone has some sort of pain below the surface, especially kids. A mentor once told me that when you look for people’s pain, “It will reveal itself in what they do and say, like prayer requests reaching out to you.” When our kids are anxious, struggling, upset, lonely, or depressed, they will rarely say it with words, but they’ll say it in other ways. Sometimes, by lashing out or throwing tantrums. Listen and observe carefully, seek to understand, and give them empathy.
Sound off: What are some ways to connect with your child that you could share with other dads?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “If you could choose to do one thing with me, what would it be?”