“I’m just not happy.” My friend was about 15 years into a marriage that was not going the way he had planned. He was frustrated and resentful. He wondered about just calling it quits. Unfortunately, he’s far from alone. According to data from the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, nearly 50% of first marriages end in divorce. And while it’s hard to find good data on how many married couples are unhappy, anecdotal evidence is clear that it’s fairly common.
So what do we do when we find ourselves unhappy in marriage? Do we develop an exit strategy? Suck it up and deal with it? Well, it’s obviously difficult to give general advice. Every situation is different, and so every response must be unique. But before you do anything drastic, here are 5 questions to ask yourself when you’re unhappy in marriage.
1. Are my expectations appropriate?
Many of us walk into marriage with unrealistic expectations. We think the key to healing our aching self-doubt or to finding ultimate happiness is marriage. But this puts far too heavy a burden on marriage and almost inevitably sets us up for failure.
The reality of marriage is that it happens between two unique people, which means every marriage has its unique joys and challenges. If you’re unhappy in marriage because it isn’t living up to your expectations, reflect on what you thought your marriage should be and why. Did you imagine that getting married would suddenly make you feel more content with your life? Maybe you expected a relationship that just felt easy and fun, but instead has been really hard work. We all carry expectations into our marriages, and quite often we find that we were just wrong. This is normal. The problem is when we are more committed to our expectations of marriage than to the person we’re married to. What if you set those expectations aside and focused on the hard but rewarding work of loving your wife more than your expectations of her?
Pro tip: A therapist can be really helpful with this.
2. Have I talked with my wife about this issue?
We often sit in silent frustration because we see our wives as the problem in our unhappy marriage. When we do, we don’t involve them in working toward a solution. This is dangerous because, in lieu of an explanation, we tell ourselves a story about what is actually happening, and that story is rarely based on facts. Instead, it’s based on our interpretation. This serves to deepen the divide between us and solidify our discontent.
The reality of marriage is that it rises and falls on the quality of our communication. And far too many of us spend more time talking to ourselves about our wives than listening to what our wives are telling us about themselves. If you’re unhappy in marriage, have a conversation with your wife. The key here is to do more listening than talking.
Pro Tip: Use the 80/20 rule of active listening. Spend 20% of the time talking and 80% listening.
3. Is this really about her?
I once read a marriage advice book that pointed out that, unlike affairs in movies, affairs in real life are rarely about finding a gorgeous stranger who woos you from your happy marriage. Instead, affairs often happen with people who are no more physically attractive than your spouse. Instead, there is an unmet need we have that we are looking to have met elsewhere. Discontent is rarely about the other person. It’s almost always about us. But it’s easier to point fingers than look in the mirror.
The reality of marriage is that it doesn’t magically fix your poor self-esteem or your bruised ego. If you’ve got abandonment issues because your dad or mom left you, a committed wife doesn’t suddenly whisk those away. If you’re unhappy in marriage, first stop and look in the mirror. Does the real problem reside with your wife or you? Your wife’s job isn’t to heal your wounds. That’s your responsibility.
Pro Tip: Spiritual direction and/or a community of supportive friends can be helpful here.
4. Have I asked for help?
Often, we see asking for help as something only “weak people” do. We tell ourselves, “It’s not that bad. I can figure this out.” And that’s a clue that you may be in trouble. Asking for help is hard, but necessary. If we’re unable to ask for help, it’s almost certain our marriage won’t thrive.
We need family, friends, and neighbors who know us, love us, and walk with us. We need the wisdom of elders—men and women who have done the hard work of staying married for years and can offer us insight and perspective. If you’re unhappy in marriage, consider who you could ask for help. Marriages thrive when there are people surrounding them who can help.
Pro Tip: Churches or other social spaces that bring together different generations can be a gift to your marriage.
5. What is one thing I could do to make my wife happy?
When we’re unhappy, we tend to look to fix it by changing the situation so that we can be happier. But sometimes the first step in moving toward happiness is focusing on the happiness of someone else. Obviously, if you’re unhappy in marriage, making your wife happy isn’t your first thought, but it may be the most constructive one.
The reality of marriage is that it goes best when you both put the happiness of the other first. Certainly, this can be taken too far, where one spouse allows him or herself to be walked on at the whim of the other. However, it’s much more common for breakdowns to occur when both husband and wife are focused on their own happiness rather than their spouse’s. If you’re unhappy in marriage, try thinking of one thing you could do daily to make your wife happy. You might be surprised by how that one simple move could improve your relationship.
Pro Tip: Start small. Little things matter.
Sound off: What helps you when you find yourself unhappy in your marriage?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What’s one thing I do that makes you happy?”