5 Things to Do When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

I have a friend who spent twenty years of her marriage dealing with her husband’s porn addiction. They were making it work—not perfectly, but they were fighting for their marriage. Then one night, he crossed a line. She knew what had happened, but when she confronted him, he lied. He denied it all. That pattern of shame and denial had happened before, but this time it felt different. Something shifted in her that night. This pain had to stop—one way or another. And suddenly, what had been an “everybody has problems” situation became a marriage on the edge of divorce.

Maybe you know that moment. That gut-wrenching feeling when you realize your marriage isn’t just struggling, it’s in serious trouble. It’s terrifying. You can’t sleep. You wonder if you’re going to make it. But here’s what I’ve learned: As scary as that moment is, it’s also a valuable wake-up call. So if you’re in that moment right now, or you’re worried you might be heading there, here are 5 things that can help. Not magic fixes. Just practical steps that have helped couples turn things around when they see signs their marriage is in trouble.

1. Don’t ignore what’s happening.

I know that seems obvious, but hear me out. There’s always another distraction we can turn to, another excuse we can make, another rug we can shove things under. Maybe ignoring things is what got you here in the first place. But that approach? It’s not working anymore, and you know it. So now’s the time to be the person who honestly looks at the signs your marriage is in trouble and does something about it.

2. Take responsibility for your part.

Not all of it. Just your part. Even if your part is only 5%, owning that 5% can change everything. It lowers the defensiveness in the room. It builds trust. And vulnerability? It can help you both take that first hard step together.

But here’s the thing, and this is important. When I say take responsibility, I’m not asking you to start pointing fingers at yourself. That doesn’t help anyone. Think of it more like asking: What part of this do I have control over? Is there anything I could do or change to make things better moving forward?

For example, in my friend’s situation, no one would say her husband’s addiction was her fault. But the part she could take responsibility for? She realized she needed to learn how to speak up for herself sooner, before things got so bad. Before the damage got so high. So she found a great counselor who helped her learn to do that.

3. Talk to someone outside your marriage.

A counselor, a pastor, a mentor—someone who can give you perspective. And if you’re thinking, “I don’t need a counselor,” I get it. The first time I went to a counselor, I asked to be let in the back door because I worked at a church and didn’t want anyone to see me. It felt like I was revealing some massive weakness. Like I couldn’t quite hack it as a man, a leader, or a marriage expert. Like something was fundamentally wrong with me.

Now? I tell everyone who will listen: Counselors save marriages. There is no shame in the counseling game. They help you see what you can’t see on your own. They have tools you don’t have. And when you finally move through the shame of admitting you need help, having a good counselor alongside you changes everything.

4. Make one small change today.

Here’s the truth: Your marriage didn’t get into trouble overnight. The negative patterns? They built up over months, maybe years. So you’re not going to fix it all in a day. That’s the bad news. But here’s the good news: A small positive change can have a huge impact right now. It puts hope back in the air. It helps you start seeing each other differently.

That change might be doing a quick online search for potential counselors. Or putting your phone in a drawer before bed because that’s when you’re most likely to make bad choices. Whatever it is, commit to one thing today.

5. Decide you’re going to fight for your marriage.

Listen, I get it. Sometimes walking away feels like the only option. The easier option. That’s how my friend felt. But you know what? Today, she would tell you she’s grateful for that terrible night. It was the wake-up call they needed. Just a year later, they’re more connected than they’ve ever been.

That might sound like a miracle meant for someone else, but studies show it happens more often than you might think. Get this: Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce ended up happily married five years later. Two out of three. But only one out of five who got divorced found happiness in a new marriage.

Let’s break that down: 67% of couples who stayed together were happy five years later. But only 20% who divorced were happy. I like your odds when you stick together better. And that’s worth fighting for.

You’ve probably heard it said that every relationship in trouble needs a hero. So be that person. Go first. You won’t have a more important thing to fight for than your marriage. Lead the way. Be the imperfect, vulnerable hero when you see signs your marriage is in trouble. Starting today.

Sound off: What’s the one small change you need to make that could turn things around if you see signs your marriage is in trouble?