For my wife and me, one of the best classrooms to learn about marriage has been marriage counseling. No, not going to a counselor, but rather serving as counselors for others. As both pastors and friends, my wife and I have been invited into hundreds of conversations with men and women who are learning how to grow together in marriage. And these conversations, including those in which we coached through challenges, comforted during troubles, and celebrated what was good, have taught me a thing or two.
When we started doing this, I thought it was mostly about what I had to offer. But it turned out that spending lots of time trying to help other people do marriage well has had the added benefit of teaching me a few things about being a better husband. Here are 5 things marital counseling has taught me about marriage; consider them marriage tips for men.
1. Self-interest isn’t bad.
I hesitate to start with this because for many of us, self-interest isn’t something that needs encouraging. We do it naturally and to a fault. At the same time, for many men, one of the challenges is losing themselves in their marriage. You spend so much time trying to make your wife happy that you lose sight of who you are. What I’ve found in my conversations is that the husbands who do this end up resenting their wives. Additionally, the wife can lose interest in a husband who is simply compliant. After all, it’s difficult to be attracted to someone who just adjusts to suit you.
Self-interest isn’t bad. In fact, it’s healthy. Self-interest leads you to take care of your health, develop your skills, and experience more joy. If you invest in yourself, you have a better chance of offering the best version of yourself to your wife. Of course, love means your self-interest isn’t primary. And self-giving love is the key to keeping self-interest from moving into selfishness.
2. Attitude is everything.
Lots of marriages go through hard times. Why do some hit rough patches and go sideways, while still others go through similar circumstances and emerge stronger? The key is attitude. In my experience counseling couples, this is critically important. Those who complain about their spouses, who assume life should be easier, and who are insecure have marriages that struggle. At the same time, those who are quick to be their spouse’s cheerleader, who look in the mirror first, and are content or, better yet, grateful, even when life is hard, tend to fare far better even in more difficult situations.
One of my marriage tips for men is that you can choose your attitude. Sure, positivity comes a little easier to some, but we all get to choose what we give our attention to. Do you fixate on your frustrations and feed your discontent, or do you choose gratitude, encouragement, and hope? Your attitude will shape you and your marriage.
3. You need to differentiate from your family.
It can be a real gift to have an involved extended family. They can play a supportive role as you begin your married life. They can provide a network of care and love for you and your children. However, if you’re not careful, an involved extended family can also create challenges. I’ve spoken with many men who struggle to shift their primary devotion from their mom to their wife, even after many years of being married. Others have parents who just can’t keep their opinions to themselves. Still others have vocally judgmental siblings.
While you can’t choose how your family responds when you get married, you can choose how you respond. It’s critical for the health of a marriage that both partners make a clear and conscious decision to reorient their commitments so that they prioritize their spouse over extended family. This can be incredibly difficult in the short term, but if boundaries are set and kept, eventually most people adjust.
4. Working toward a goal builds connection.
In his book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Don Miller tells a story of a friend whose family is not doing well. To counter this, his friend buys an orphanage in Africa. That bold move transforms his family by pulling them together as they work toward a goal that’s bigger than themselves. One of the truths underlying this extreme example is that working toward a common goal builds connection. Often, couples I’ve met with seem to hum when they are raising kids together, but then sputter or come undone when the kids become a bit more independent.
It’s not a distraction to say couples should have something outside of themselves to work toward. It’s an essential part of the human experience that bonds are formed over a common goal. Finding a cause, or even just a hobby you enjoy together, can build connection and deepen your sense of meaning.
5. You can always get better.
An attitude that causes many problems in marriage is laziness. Growing in character takes effort, and often we just get tired of working on ourselves. We stop caring whether our habits are annoying to the people we live with. We prioritize the game over time connecting with our wives. Conversations become an annoyance. Home projects sit half-finished for years.
One of my final marriage tips for men is: Get to work. Invest in your relationship with your wife. Give time and energy to the things that matter to her. Yes, it takes a little effort after a long day of work or on a weekend when you want to just golf. But you know what I’ve never heard in a conversation with a couple who is struggling? I’ve never heard the woman say, “He works hard to care for me and my family.” A little bit of effort pays dividends for a lifetime.
Sound off: Have you been to marriage counseling? If so, what have you learned?
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Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What is a marriage tip that you would give to men?”