My wife loves to cook. When we were first married, she tried lots of new recipes on me to see what I liked. She’d cook a meal and ask me to rate it out of ten, which she’d then note beside the recipe in her cookbook. A rating of one meant it was awful and 10 meant it was the best I’d ever eaten. It would have worked well, except that I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So I never rated anything lower than a six.
It didn’t take her long to realize what was going on. She quickly figured out that a 10 meant I thought the meal was great, but an eight meant it was just OK. A six meant I didn’t like it at all. The problem is that she wanted my honest opinion, so not telling her how I really felt made things harder between us. People often say that honesty is the best policy, and that’s certainly true in marriage. Here are 5 times to practice honesty in marriage.
1. Tell her when you’re struggling.
It’s more than just a cliché that men don’t like to talk about their feelings and mental health. A U.K. study found that 40% of men have never spoken to anyone about their mental health and would only do so if they had thoughts of suicide or self-harm. Men do this because of stereotypes, because they are embarrassed, or out of a desire not to burden someone else. The thing is that there are things you can’t carry on your own. That same study found that 77% of men had suffered anxiety, stress, or depression. There’s no one in the world who wants to help you more than your wife does. That’s why she promised to stand by you in the good times and the bad ones too. Don’t be afraid to be open and let her know how things aren’t going right in your head or your heart.
2. Tell her about any women you interact with.
Often, there are women other than our wives, with whom we interact. Most of these connections are no big deal, but some, if we’re not careful, could risk crossing the line into something more. This might be a coworker who flirts with you or someone who sends you a friend request on Facebook. If professional or friendship lines start to get blurry, you need to tell your wife. That might be as simple as “Honey, my old college girlfriend has DM’d me a few times. I haven’t responded more than a polite hello, but I wanted you to know.” Being absolutely honest with your wife about your interactions with other women not only helps to build trust, but serves as a guardrail to keep you from an emotional affair (or worse).
3. Tell her when you screwed up.
No one likes to admit when they’re wrong, especially if it’s something serious. This is why people will minimize the failure (“It’s not that big a deal”), deny doing it (even when they’re caught red-handed), or project the blame on somebody else. Owning up to what you’ve done is the first and best place to start. Family counselor Dr. Dave Currie says, “Being honest will put you into some deep waters, and there’s going to need to be a long process of healing. But if you want the kind of relationship that’s worth having for a lifetime, ground-level honesty must be part of the foundation that it’s built on.” Similarly, like a doctor who can only treat a problem you tell him about, admitting you screwed up in your marriage provides a starting point to make things better.
4. Tell her about your finances.
Whether you have joint accounts or separate ones, there’s great danger in keeping financial secrets from your wife. One survey found that 1/3 of Canadians had been victims of “financial infidelity,” which includes hiding debt, going bankrupt, or stashing money a spouse doesn’t know about. And just like the other kind of infidelity, keeping financial secrets can break up a marriage. No matter what the arrangements are, let your wife know what’s going on. Talk about the money you’ve got and the money you owe. Let her know if there’s financial trouble on the horizon. This gives you both the chance to be more frugal and share the challenge of making things right. And if she’s clear on money matters when things are good, you making a major purchase is less likely to cause a fight.
5. Tell her the thing your kid is struggling with.
Divide and conquer is a time-honored tactic for various battles in life. If you have more than one kid, chances are you’ve used this as a parenting strategy from time to time. But you have to be careful when a kid turns this around, confiding some struggle or failure to you and then asking you not to tell your wife about it. Unless it’s a gift your kid wants to surprise her with, it’s probably best to make sure your wife knows everything you know. That united front not only keeps your relationship strong, but it also gives you the best chance to take care of your kids.
Sound off: What are other times you should practice honesty in marriage?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What’s a difficult thing we need to practice talking about?”