When Your Teen Falls Short of Her Goal

“I got a C?!?” My daughter was beside herself. She was typically an honor-roll kid and took great pride in her academic achievement. Nothing in her wanted to settle for average, and yet there it was in black and white. As Christmas break came around, she found out she was pulling a C in one of her AP courses. To make matters worse, all of her friends were getting A’s and B’s. She was devastated.

While you and I both know that in 10 years this will be something you kid her about, in the moment it feels like this huge bombshell, and she’s going into Christmas break feeling sad and like a standout, in the worst way. So how do you help your teenager when she falls short of her goals, not just academically, but in general? Here are 5 ways to encourage her when she faces disappointment.

1. Find out what’s really happening.

It’s easy for us to tell ourselves the story of what’s happening in our teen’s mind. You know her well, and you tell yourself the story before ever asking her why she’s so upset. You might be right, but you may also be missing key details. Sure, maybe she’s upset about that grade because she’s too concerned with fitting in. But it’s also possible she doesn’t want to disappoint you. Or maybe she’s really driven to succeed and is holding herself to a high standard. Take the time to do some investigating. Ask questions. Listen intently. To help your teenager deal with disappointment, make sure you understand before you try to solve it.

2. Empathize.

You’re going to be tempted to minimize immediately. And you’re not wrong. The bad grade or not making the team or breaking up with the boyfriend are all things that, in the grand scheme of things, are not nearly as big a deal as they seem to her in this moment. But don’t go there yet. Try to put yourself in her shoes. You were a teenager once and faced rejection, failure, disappointment. You may not have felt the emotions in the same way, but you certainly didn’t see them with the safety of time and distance as you do now. Spend some time comforting and connecting. Don’t minimize it. Say things like, “I get it. This is tough. I remember feeling paralyzed when I was taking a course like this. I know what it must feel like.” She doesn’t need to know she’s wrong. She needs to know she’s not alone.

3. Give her some perspective.

Eventually, you’ll want to help her see the bigger picture. “This too shall pass” is probably too trite. But you could tell a story of a time you failed or felt left out or didn’t accomplish what you had hoped. Talk about the emotions you felt and perhaps how you, like her, felt devastated. But then…time, new information, perseverance, and whatever else eventually helped you move past it will likely be a reality for her as well. She won’t see it yet. She can’t. But she needs to know that there is hope that she won’t always feel this way.

4. Discuss practical options.

Many of us dads struggle with a “fix it” mentality. When you think of how to help your teenager deal with disappointment, you immediately want to jump in and fix whatever is going wrong. That can be pretty unhelpful. However, working with her to develop practical next steps can be very empowering. If she’s struggling in a class, is there an opportunity for tutoring or watching online videos together? If she didn’t make the team, are there other opportunities for sports or friendships or activities to pursue? Sometimes emotions can be so strong that they block her ability to process her options. Having you help her see that there are things she can do to move her goals forward, or even adjust them, can help.

5. Do something together.

When you’re helping your teenager deal with disappointment, the most important thing you can do is connect. She needs perspective and next steps, but she also needs to know she’s not alone. She needs to know that failure doesn’t lead to you pushing her away. When my teenage daughters were battling disappointment, I’d often suggest we go for a walk or a drive. I might pick up milkshakes or suggest a movie night. What you do is less important than the fact that you do something together. In part, it helps to take her mind off of it. But it also reminds her that your desire to be with her isn’t tied to achievement.

Sound off: What other ways can you help your teenager deal with disappointment?