A dad named Randal wrote in with a familiar situation. He tells his daughter no. Three minutes later, she asks Mom. What does she have to lose? Mom and Dad have different answers all the time. Randal wrote, “This is a hard one for me to handle because it creates tension between my wife and me and the kids.” Randal, you are not alone. Kids have been running this scam for decades.
The scam is so common there is a term for it: parent shopping. Your child asks one parent, does not love the price, and goes shopping for a better deal from the other. It is not proof that your kid is sneaky or that your marriage is in trouble. It just means you and your spouse are not a united front, and that is fixable. Here are 4 ways to stop your kids from shopping for a different answer.
1. Make it a house rule, not a parent rule.
Somewhere in your house, out loud, say something like this: If Dad says no, the answer is no, even if you ask Mom. And if Mom says no, the answer is no, even if you ask Dad. It tells your kids this has nothing to do with which parent is softer or easier to wear down. Parent shopping only works when your kids believe there are two separate stores with two different price tags. Once they realize you and your wife are going to say the same thing, playing one parent against the other stops being worth the walk to the other room.
2. Get on the same page before the moment hits.
Most of this shopping around doesn’t happen because you and your wife genuinely disagree on the big stuff. It happens because you never talked about the small stuff, so you end up freestyling as your daughter gives you the look that has worked before. Sit down with your wife and talk through the usual suspects. Screen time. Sweets. Bedtime. Sleepovers. Just some general ideas on the big stuff, which usually translates into the small stuff. It is amazing how much calmer the house feels when you are actually on the same page before your kids even ask.
3. Use the phrase, “Let me check with your mom first.”
For anything that is not an obvious yes or no, have a phrase ready. Let me check with your mom. That is it. Four words, and they do three things at once. They slow your kids down. They keep you from making a promise your spouse has to clean up later. And they remind everyone, including you, that this is a two-person decision, not a one-stop shop. Kids are smart. Say it enough times and they stop bothering to ask twice.
4. Have your spouse’s back first.
This is an important one dads skip because it sounds too obvious. The real issue isn’t controlling the kids. It’s getting the two of you on the same page. When parents disagree on discipline, your kids can feel and see the crack. Not because they are running a con, but because kids learn fast that asking twice sometimes works. When Mom and Dad are a united front, parent shopping fades fast because there’s nowhere else to run.
To Randal, and every other dad who has been the victim of a cute hustler, get on the same page with your wife before the next request, and eventually your kid will figure out there isn’t another answer waiting in the next room.
Sound off: Name a time you and your wife presented a united front. How did your kids respond?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Have you ever asked Mom and me the same question hoping one of us would say yes? What made you do that?”