I was frustrated with what I perceived as my daughter’s procrastination. She’d wait until the last minute to get her schoolwork done, drag her feet about making any plans with her friends, and struggle to actually pick up the phone and call about that potential job. But when I finally sat and talked with her, I realized there was more going on than meets the eye. Her procrastination was actually the fruit of something deeper. She was overwhelmed.
It’s easy for adults to roll their eyes when they hear about teens being overwhelmed. After all, most of our kids have it easier than we did when it comes to the responsibilities they carry. However, they face far more complex social realities than most of their parents did. Social media, a constant barrage of information, goals their parents have for them, and the expectation that they have strong opinions on all things, can all lead to feeling overwhelmed, which can show up as procrastination or a lack of motivation. And overall, American teens report higher stress rates than adults. So how can we respond? Here are 5 ways to walk with a teen who is overwhelmed.
1. Be present.
One of the temptations we face when figuring out how to help an overwhelmed teenager is to explain to her how she’s overreacting. We think that she needs better information. “It’s really not that bad,” you say. But better information doesn’t change someone’s perception of reality. What she needs is to know she’s not alone. She needs your presence. That doesn’t mean simply being physically present, but also being emotionally present, listening well, and encouraging her. Don’t rush to fix her. Rush to be with her.
2. Help him prioritize.
We all struggle to prioritize our obligations. With so many things vying for our attention, sometimes we struggle to figure out whether we should mow the yard, watch the game or spend time with our wives. How much more difficult is it for our teens whose frontal lobes are still developing? The frontal lobe is in charge of executive function: decision making, problem solving, and managing attention. And it won’t be fully developed until they are in their mid-20’s. Add to that the onslaught of information and stimulation teens receive via social media, instant access to entertainment online, and constant connection to friends, and you can see why priorities would be a bit out of whack. Take time to work with your teen on setting priorities. Help him set goals—financial goals, academic goals, personal ones—and then help him work toward them. It certainly won’t be easy, but it’ll be a huge gift to your teen.
3. Encourage sleep.
Think about how you feel when you’re really tired. You’re cranky, lethargic, and generally resistant to taking on significant tasks. This is your teen most of the time if she’s not getting adequate sleep. After all, the average teen gets only seven to seven-and-a-half hours of sleep a night, despite needing nine to nine-and-a-half hours. In other words, most teens are walking around exhausted. No wonder they’re overwhelmed. If you’re trying to figure out how to help an overwhelmed teenager, start by making sure she’s getting adequate sleep. You can do this by setting boundaries on phone usage in her room and working with her to set reasonable curfews, especially during the week. She won’t love it, but she does need it.
4. Get help.
Sometimes we’re overwhelmed trying to help our overwhelmed teen. If this is you, get help. There’s no shame in saying you need some assistance, but there is in pretending you’ve got it all under control when you most definitely do not. With your teen’s permission, let people close to him know he’s struggling. Be discerning. Choose people you trust and who you know love your teen. Then invite them to walk with you. An uncle or a youth leader taking him out for a milkshake just to check in can do wonders. An attentive coach or a qualified counselor can be a huge gift. Build a team to walk with your teen. You don’t need to do it alone.
5. Reduce screen time.
It’s almost cliché now to say it, but it’s still critical. Studies show that over half of teenagers spend four hours or more per day on their phones. And we know this creates increased anxiety and depression in our teens. If you want to help an overwhelmed teenager, start with their screen time. Begin small, looking for opportunities to interrupt their usage with conversations, getting outdoors together, playing a card game, or cooking a meal together. Talk openly with your teen about how to connect with her friends or entertain herself in other ways. If necessary, place limits on screen time using parental controls. Taking a break from screens will help clear up some of the overwhelm in your teen’s life.
Sound off: What other advice would you give to a parent who wants to help an overwhelmed teenager?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “When do you feel most overwhelmed?”