7 Key Moments in Raising Emotionally Intelligent Boys

I was eight years old, and my parents had put me in my Sunday best for my grandparents’ anniversary. I smiled when people told me I was handsome, but I was far happier when they sent me outside to play before the speeches started. In the forest, I found the coolest stick I had ever seen. It was about twenty inches long, and as I pulled the bark off, I found the cool patterns my grandfather told me were woodworm engravings. To help preserve the stick, he took it to the garage and covered it with several coats of a thick, clear varnish. This preserved beautiful patterns but also hid a significant crack I didn’t know was there until one day, when things dried out, the stick split in half.

Boys are often like my old stick. They are fascinating and beautiful, but society seems to teach them that sharing their emotions is a sign of weakness. Like a thick coat of varnish, they learn to put on a tough front and keep things to themselves. Stuffing their feelings can be an incredibly damaging habit, which can have the same destructive effect that crack had on my stick. To help your son get comfortable expressing himself, there are things you can do. Here are 7 key moments to be there for him and raise an emotionally intelligent boy.

1. The Moment Fear Is Getting the Best of Him

As a boy gets older, the things he fears also get bigger. The problem is that he’s probably learned that strong men aren’t afraid of anything. You need to teach him that there’s nothing wrong with being afraid. The word “courage” comes from the Latin word cor, which means heart. Teach your son that taking heart–showing courage–doesn’t mean he won’t get scared, but that he needs to let others know about those things that he’s really scared of so they can help him process his fear and how he feels.

2. The Moment He’s Ready To Date

Teenage boys are often shy and awkward around girls because they finds them intimidating. The problem comes if, as a boy gets older, he’s never willing to put himself out there to be friends with a girl or be vulnerable enough to have a girlfriend. Start by teaching your son how to talk to girls and build friendships with them. That’ll give him a good foundation for the day you and he judge he’s ready to start dating.

3. The Moment His Heart Gets Broken

Sadly, dating often comes with getting dumped. Most of us went through many heartbreaks on our way to true love.  Teenagers often don’t know what to do with a broken heart because they’ve never experienced it before. When raising emotionally intelligent boys, you want to help them find the words that express what they’re feeling. This might mean encouraging your son to find song lyrics that help him express his sadness or anger. It could mean you need to sit as he experiences the various stages of grief or while he rages. Listen to him while he’s sad. What’s key is that when he looks at you, he sees the empathy in your eyes, not that you’re uncomfortable and want him to man up and move on. How a dad acts in these moments teaches his son how to be OK with uncomfortable emotions.

4. The Moment He Gave It His All, and It Wasn’t Enough

Steve Kerr, coach of the Golden State Warriors, sent a handwritten note to John Schneider last fall after Schneider’s Blue Jays lost the World Series. The Warriors’ coach encouraged Schneider to remember that this loss wouldn’t define him or his players. Boys often need the same reminder and encouragement. Teach your son to express how gutted he feels when his best falls short. That way, he’ll learn bit by bit that he’s more than his weaknesses and failures.

5. The Moment He Doesn’t Know What To Do

I work with twelfth graders from four different schools, and they consistently tell me the worst question they get asked around their graduation is, “What are you doing next year?” A lot of them, honestly, don’t know and are scared to let people down by admitting it. Raising emotionally intelligent boys means helping your son know that admitting he doesn’t know something leaves room to ask for help. It also gives him the chance to learn from someone who cares enough about him to help.

6. The Moment He Feels He Doesn’t Measure Up to You

I was reading an article in Psychology Today, and the author discussed how sons constantly compare themselves to their fathers. Your son may look at you and see a man who knows how to fix the car and the furnace. He might see a man who is respected in the community, has a good job, and seems to have it all together. He compares your strengths to his own, and might conclude that he doesn’t measure up. Make sure your son knows you don’t expect him to be you and that he has unique gifts and talents to bring to the world. Then, celebrate these with him.

7. The Moment When the Pressure Gets to Him

My son usually does well in math. The exception was last spring, when his 12^th-grade math class worked on exponents and logarithms. The first time he took the unit test, he was overwhelmed and didn’t finish. When he tried to study for the retake, he had a hard time focusing on his notes because of his nerves. That night, he tossed and turned in bed because he realized his whole grade depended on this test. When a boy is feeling stress and pressure like this, he needs you to teach him how to handle it.

One thing you can do is encourage healthy coping skills, such as “box breathing,” stretching, listening to music, or taking a walk. If he comes to you to vent, be sure to listen and validate how he feels, rather than try to brush his feelings aside. Instead of saying, “You’ll be fine,” say, “I understand this is tough. I get it.” Then watch his shoulders drop, and his face soften. Letting your son know that you’re there for him and that it’s OK to feel this way will help him develop the emotional intelligence and coping skills needed to get through just about anything.

Sound off: What are other key moments in raising emotionally intelligent boys?

Want to deepen your bond and give your sons the emotional strength they need for life? Tune in to this episode of the All Pro Dad Podcast for more practical advice.