I have a love/hate relationship with the ocean. Its enormity and beauty are awe-inspiring. If you’ve ever stood at the edge of the sea, you realize how small you are. And while you stand there, admiring the crashing waves and endless horizon, you’re occasionally reminded to be careful. A crab pinches your toe. A swarm of jellyfish floats nearby. A dorsal fin breaks the surface a hundred yards away. That’s when you realize that beneath the surface, there’s a lot going on, and you can get in trouble quickly if you aren’t paying attention.
The same is true in parenting. It’s awesome. You get to steward these tiny human creatures. And you love them more than you thought it was possible to love anything. And yet, if we’re not careful, there are things under the surface in our lives—parenting attitudes—that can have very destructive consequences. Here are 5 attitudes to eliminate from your parenting strategy.
1. We have to hurry.
How many times have you raised your voice at your kid, trying to get him out the door, or expressed frustration for how slow she’s moving? If you ask me, the answer is “Too many times to count.” When we’re in a hurry, we’re stressed out and impatient. This can lead us to motivate our kids in ways we’re later ashamed of (threatening, yelling, manipulating). But what can you do? Sometimes they just have to get moving, right?
While you might not be able to eliminate hurry entirely from your life, you can work to slow down. Of course, this isn’t easy. It will require you to begin identifying things that aren’t essential and saying no to them. It might mean turning the game off so you can get more sleep and wake up earlier to have a more relaxed morning. Or maybe it’s planning simpler meals, so they take less preparation time, allowing more time to eat together. Whatever the strategy, it starts by realizing that you really can’t do everything, so stop trying.
2. The kids have to be involved in everything.
The other day, I spoke with a friend who has young kids. I asked how life was, and he proceeded to share a list of activities his kids were involved in, which meant he had to shuttle them to multiple events every day of the week, including Sunday. But that was just normal, to him. It was what he thought it meant to be a good dad. Many of us feel the pressure to have our kids involved in sports, theater, music, and a youth group, all the while taking honors classes and maintaining a rich social life. We don’t want our kids to miss out on anything, and we want to give them every possible advantage—whether it’s summer math tutoring, extra batting practice with a hitting coach, or voice lessons so she can shine in the choir—so we sign them up for everything.
However, being busy all the time isn’t good for kids. Of course, there are seasons when it’s necessary, but if it becomes normal, you can easily create an environment in which the most important things, like conversations with your kids, their creativity, and their (and your) peace of mind, will suffer. Providing your child with opportunities is really good. But both they and you have limits, and it’s critical for everyone’s well-being to recognize that.
3. I’m afraid of everything.
Fear is one of the most dangerous parenting attitudes. We’re all afraid at times. We’re afraid our kids will miss out on key life experiences; we’re afraid of strangers kidnapping them; and we’re afraid they might not get into a top college. We’re afraid social media will destroy them, but we’re also afraid they’ll be made fun of if they aren’t on TikTok. Parenting out of fear leads to kids doing everything because we don’t want them to miss out, and doing nothing because we don’t want them to get hurt. In short, we rarely make good decisions when we’re motivated by fear.
The reality is you can’t live well without taking a few risks. Think of the most amazing moments of your life. They probably involved some level of risk: You got on a plane, tried out for the team, and asked her to marry you. If we want our kids to live full and meaningful lives, we’ve got to allow them (encourage them, even!) to take risks. That doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind, but we need to figure out how to quiet that voice of fear in our minds and move to a place of wisdom. Practices like prayer, having older, wiser friends, and counseling can help us move away from fear-based parenting attitudes.
4. If only I were as wealthy/funny/adventurous as he is.
Did you see that vacation they went on? I wish I had thought of doing that with my kids when they were young! We’re all prone to comparing ourselves to others. And parenting can be so challenging that we’re often looking for help, advice, and answers (it’s why you read All Pro Dad!). While it’s great to look to others for advice, when you compare yourself to other parents, you end up trying to be someone you’re not. And what your kids need the most is the best version of you!
You are unique. And your uniqueness is a gift to your kids. Really. Maybe you’re not the dad who takes his kids on safaris, coaches all the teams, or takes the most amazing vacations. That’s OK. They don’t need that. What they do need is for you to love them and be present with them. Sure, steal some good ideas from other dads—we all do that! But don’t try to be someone you’re not. The world needs different people shaped by different experiences. It needs you to parent as you, not as someone else.
5. We think we have to fix every failure.
We want our kids to succeed. So when they fail, it’s easy for us to focus on fixing their failures. This can make us overly critical. We regularly harp on the fact that they didn’t get the “A,” or why they didn’t make the team, or how they didn’t stick with music lessons. We do it because we believe they have potential, but they hear it as criticism and judgment. Before long, the soundtrack playing in their mind is all about what they can’t do, and it begins to shape the way they see themselves.
What your child needs from you is someone who can identify her gifts and call them out. Of course, you want her to work hard. But the key to her development isn’t her performance, it’s her effort. Praise her for the work she puts in, not the results she gets out. Help her identify activities that align with her gifts and engage in those. And when she fails (as she certainly will), teach her how to embrace failure and learn from it. These are lessons that will serve her far longer than a perfect report card.
Sound off: What parenting attitudes do you struggle with?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Are there any attitudes that I bring to parenting that you think I need to adjust?”