I consider it a monumental win if we get out the door on time. It doesn’t seem to matter where we are going; we’re likely going to be ten minutes late. That’s dad life, or at least my life. Our biggest obstacle lately has been my son’s inability to remember his things. Every Saturday, on the way out the door to his hockey game, he asks, “Did you check my bag?
My kid is old enough to handle a pre-game equipment check and live with the consequences of a forgotten skate. A lot of parents try to “save” their kids from difficult situations. We should stop some of that! Kids need to face the ramifications of their mistakes without parents stepping in to save the day. Here are 6 scenarios where kids don’t need to be rescued.
1. When School Assignments are Challenging
My kids don’t know algebra. I do, but if I do all their math homework, they’ll never learn how to solve for X. Yes, they will struggle with their school assignments, but don’t do it for them. The struggle is where the lesson is found. When assignments are difficult, it’s an indication that learning is taking place. School isn’t always going to be a breeze. It should introduce challenges, forcing kids to problem solve, think deeply, and figure things out. Even if it’s hard to do, stand back and support them while they do the work. It is one way we start building resilience in children.
2. When Something is Bothering You
One of my kids recently found out she’d been excluded from an activity with friends. It crushed her. She felt unseen and deeply hurt, and I felt that hurt right along with her. I had to fight the urge to “fix” things. Instead, I listened, comforted her, and reminded her I was always in her corner—but I resisted the urge to step in and patch things up. Rocky friendships are hers to navigate, not mine to smooth over.
Dads are protectors, and when people in our kids’ lives are being difficult, we naturally want to rush in and fix things. But that may not be what our kids need or even want. When they navigate the sticky parts of life themselves, they learn to handle social situations, process emotions, and build real interpersonal skills. Building resilience in children means supporting them from the sidelines and letting them manage their own circle.
3. When the Coach Isn’t Playing Them Much
Youth sports are a source of frustration for a lot of kids. When the competition level rises, so does the intensity. I remember being a good rec baseball player, but I ended up sitting on the bench when I joined a more competitive league. That was difficult for me. I was very upset at the end of the bench, but my dad never stepped in. It was my job to practice harder and impress the coach. It was my job to work my way into the lineup. Dad showing up and yelling about playing time wasn’t going to change anything.
I’m glad he didn’t do that because that struggle built resolve and a work ethic in me. I put a lot of energy into improving and eventually started playing more. I got on the field based on merit, not an angry dad’s speech. I didn’t need rescuing, and I’m thankful he didn’t try.
4. When They Forget Something
Like I mentioned with the hockey bag earlier, if your kids forget something, oh well! Do not rescue them. We think we’re helping when we swoop in and remove the penalty for the mistake, but building resilience in children requires us to allow them to learn through failure. Mistakes, like forgetting things, have consequences. That result is the lesson, so don’t bail them out. Identify the age-appropriate things they can handle and then step back. Leaving those tasks to them will build responsibility.
5. When They Waste Money
I stood in the store and watched my kids spend their birthday money on M&Ms and thought, “This is dumb.” I knew they could use that money for something better. Everything in me wanted to prevent that purchase, but I didn’t say no. They walked about happily, only to realize the next day they no longer had enough money for the next thing that caught their eye.
There is value in letting our kids “waste” small amounts of money. The lesson is worth every penny. If we rescue them from wasting a few bucks on below-average chocolate, they’re at risk of arriving at bigger, more weighty purchases having never learned the value of a dollar. You get what I’m saying. Don’t rescue kids from the moments that teach them things, even if that means their piggy bank sits empty for a while.
Sound off: When have you rescued your kid only to have it backfire?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How do you feel when you get to make your own choices?”