Is your kid watching porn? My guess is many of you reading this assume the answer is no. You might be right, but some of the statistics may shock you. According to the global data and business development platform Statista, 75% of boys and 70% of girls have viewed porn by age 18. Covenant Eyes, the online porn-monitoring platform, puts the percentage closer to 90% of boys, with girls slightly lower at about 60%. Either way, the answer to that initial question is probably yes.
So what do you do when you catch your kid watching porn, either because you glance over his shoulder while he’s on his phone or you see her search history or perhaps he or she even comes to you and tells you? Here are 3 ways to respond.
Note: If you are personally struggling with porn, this can stir a lot of shame. It may even make you shy away from talking to your kids about it or confronting the problem. But don’t run from the conversation. Use your own experience in your conversations. And pursue quitting porn by getting help.
1. Don’t overreact to your kid watching porn.
Whether it’s out of fear or anger, it’s tempting to overreact. When you catch your kid watching porn, you may think the best thing to do is to make it a huge deal, thinking you’ll scare him into not doing it anymore or punish him into submission. But the reality is, as serious as watching porn is, if you overreact, you’ll simply communicate that you are not a safe person to come talk to. He’ll work twice as hard to hide it in the future, and if he ever wants help to quit, you will be the last person he comes to.
It’s good to communicate the weight of the situation, but he needs to know you’re a safe person to come to. Ask questions. Listen well. Lead with compassion. If you catch your kid watching porn, resist overreacting.
2. Discuss the effects of objectification.
It’s not enough that you simply label pornography as “bad” or “sinful” or “gross,” especially when, according to Covenant Eyes, 90% of teens don’t see anything wrong with it. This is a teaching opportunity. Talk to your teen about how destructive it is to reduce people to sexual objects. Share about the negative impact it can have on actual relationships (the NIH reports that porn usage can contribute to a decline in relationship and sexual satisfaction). All Pro Dad provides several very helpful articles about this. Consider reading 5 Subtle Consequences of Pornography and 4 Dangers of Pornography with your teen and discussing his or her response.
Do some work ahead of time using the resources listed here so you’re familiar with the actual negative impact of porn on individuals and relationships. If you catch your kid watching porn, you want to be prepared to share why it’s harmful.
3. Make a plan together.
Work with your teen to develop a plan. Involving him empowers him to think through strategies to protect himself. It also serves to build trust. In the end, you want more than just a plan to avoid porn. You want to deepen your relationship with your teen and provide him with tools to make better choices. Start by asking your teen, “What do you think would help you avoid porn?” If he (or she) doesn’t have any ideas, you can suggest using monitoring software like Covenant Eyes or Bark. You also can discuss boundaries such as not using devices in private locations like bedrooms or bathrooms. Maybe you set up some consequences if it happens again, such as losing the smartphone for a period of time. In the end, the sad reality is that teens will be able to find porn if they want to. So simply trying to prevent it is certain to end in failure unless your teen wants it to work, too.
As disheartening as it is to discover your kid watching porn, it does create an opportunity for understanding, learning, and collaboration to help your teen make better choices for himself.
If the problem is deeper…
If your kid is addicted, you may need to take more drastic steps to help, such as therapy or intensives. I wouldn’t start there, but if you see your kid’s grades suffering because of porn, taking unhealthy risks to watch it, and consistently breaking the boundaries you set despite a desire to stop, then it would be good to seek out more help.
Sound off: What other advice would you give to a parent who catches his kid watching porn?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some good reasons to save sex for marriage?”