My associate pastor, Paul, ran into my office and said, “There goes Kevin Lowe!” What? I thought, my head jerking up. The Oilers’ defenseman from the 80s? I’d been zoning out on my phone, scrolling funny videos to pass the time before I could set up for youth group that night. Paul pointed out my office window at a family headed toward the parking lot and repeated, “There goes Kevin Lowe! He was here for the baptism. I can’t believe you missed him!” Paul knows I’m a huge Edmonton Oilers fan. He couldn’t believe I hadn’t been out there trying to get a picture or an autograph. Unlike me, Paul wasn’t glued to his screen and figured out who was in the building. He got to see a celebrity I would’ve loved to meet. But the time I’d spent staring at my screen cost me the chance to meet Kevin Lowe, an opportunity that has never presented itself again.
There’s a lot we can miss when we’re staring at our phones. One study suggests that the mere presence of our phones can cause something called “brain drain,” which means we have less ability to hold and process information in each moment. As much as I want to say this is just a kid thing, the truth is that sometimes my brain gets drained just as easily as theirs do. Here are 5 things parents distracted by phones don’t realize they’re missing.
1. Living the Experience
I was recently at a concert, and the person in front of me was so caught up with trying to catch all the best moments on his phone, it seemed he watched the whole show through his phone screen. You see this all the time: at sporting events, airshows, kids’ concerts, piano recitals, ballet performances, and so on. The Atlantic’s contributing writer Russell Shaw says that this habit of filming these moments of our kids lives risks “forfeiting an opportunity to really connect with our children.” When your kids search you out in the audience and see you staring at a phone screen, they aren’t seeing the pride you feel.
Be careful about trying to record every key moment in your kids’ lives: Sometimes it might be better to just snap a picture, put the phone away, and to live the experience with them.
2. Doing Our Best Work
Parents rightly worry about the effect screens have on our kids. When my kids sit down to do their homework, they often have the phone right there and are listening to music and answering messages as they go. I wonder how that constant distraction impacts the work they do. One study suggests that it can be disastrous for their concentration. You could ask the same question of adults: If we’re answering text messages or checking Facebook while at work, are we doing our best work, and are our bosses getting the best out of us?
Take advantage of the “work” mode in your phone settings that will mute unnecessary notifications and help you to give your best to your boss.
3. Important Conversations
Each of my kids responds to adversity differently. If my daughter has a fight with one of her friends, she will explain in great detail everything that happened, what she felt, who else was around, and what the other kid might have been wearing. On the other hand, one of my sons struggles to put how he feels into words. He could have the same fight with one of his friends and would go days without saying a word to us about it. Your kids need you to keep an eye out for changes in body language and behavior.
Make sure that when you get home from work, or your kids are coming through the front door, your phone is down and you’re paying attention to them. You may notice changes in their body language, attitudes, or other cues that will let you know something is wrong.
4. Moments We Will Never Get Back
In the same way as I missed my chance to meet Kevin Lowe, parents distracted by phones risk missing key moments in their lives. While at the playground, you might be answering an email when your daughter goes across the monkey bars for the first time. After supper, you might find yourself on the couch answering emails when your son wants to go outside and shoot hoops. Parents who’ve been at it for a while like to remind younger parents to savor the moment because kids grow up quickly.
We need to be very careful that we don’t miss key moments with them because we’re staring at a screen. If you need to be on your phone, regularly look up and see what your kids are up to.
5. Modeling Healthy Phone Use
Phubbing (phone snubbing) happens when someone snubs someone else in a social setting, focusing instead on a screen. It’s uncomfortable when a kid does it to us, but when we do it to them, it has a deeper impact. Psychology Today says that when parents are on their phones and ignore their children, kids can feel like they don’t matter. It can also lead to decreased emotional well-being and even anxiety and depression. Give your kids a better example of how to use the phone.
When your child comes to talk to you, stop looking at your phone and give them your attention. Avoid stealing glances at your screen mid-conversation because it just buzzed at you. Teach your kids that no matter what’s happening on that screen, they are much more important.
Sound off: What other things do parents distracted by phones miss out on?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are your three favorite screen-free activities?”