On June 4, 1896, after months of tireless work, Henry Ford prepared to take his first car, the Quadricycle, for a test drive in Detroit. But he had a problem before he ever got started: The car was wider than the garage door of his shop. Henry Ford grabbed an axe and made the opening bigger, allowing him to take the car outside for a successful test drive. That test drive was a key step toward the Model T and the Ford Motor Company we know today.
Some kids are like Henry Ford. When they hit an obstacle, they kick into problem-solving mode and do whatever it takes to come out the other side. Others might come across an issue like Ford’s garage door and just feel stuck. As a dad, you’re uniquely placed to help them work through challenging moments. As we work on raising resilient kids, here are 4 reasons it’s good for your kids to hit a wall.
1. They learn how to problem-solve.
Working on an old utility trailer seemed like a great father-son project. My son could demolish things and use the power sander to help get rid of the rust. We’d been at it for a few days when he decided the next thing to do was to pull the old taillights and wiring right out of the trailer frame. As soon as I saw it, I knew it would make replacing the lights much harder. My first instinct was to lose it, but this time I bit my tongue and started looking around the garage. A broomstick, a hockey stick, and a zip tie formed the heart of the solution we came up with. His takeaway that day could have been how he messed up, and I got upset. Instead, it was a great opportunity to teach him to problem-solve when things look bleak.
Bottom line: A big part of raising resilient kids is helping them develop problem-solving skills. Let your kids face difficult moments and see what it can bring out of them.
2. They learn to think independently.
Helicopter parenting happens when a parent protects their child from the different obstacles they need to go through to grow. If Henry Ford’s parents were helicopter parents, his dad might have realized long before that June test drive that the Quadricycle wasn’t fitting through that door. He could have pre-cut the garage door to solve a problem before his son ever had to face it. It would have been simpler and cleaner than the axe, but Henry Ford wouldn’t have learned to plan ahead the next time. Ford’s independent thought would lead both to more complicated cars and a new way of building them.
Bottom line: If we want to raise resilient kids, we need to back off and let them face challenges without having us there to bail them out.
3. They learn how to deal with strong emotions.
One time my son was building a LEGO set, and things weren’t going together properly. He got so frustrated that he threw it on the ground, smashing it to pieces. When things go wrong, kids get emotional, and these feelings can become overwhelming. Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., of Psychology Today explains what’s happening here: “When our emotions take over, our rational brains literally shut down, making problem-solving impossible; it’s easy to make impulsive decisions and say and do things that cause damage.” That’s what happened when my kid threw his LEGO. When your kid hits a wall and gets upset, he’s probably not going to be receptive to your advice right away, and it might take time for him to calm down enough to discuss what happened.
Bottom line: Before your kid throws the toy and storms off, there are things you can do. When you see that frustration or anger starting to build, help him identify the emotion and recognize how his body is responding. “You look like you’re getting frustrated. I see you’re scowling and breathing harder.” Eventually, they’ll be able to recognize the signs that come with the emotion themselves and change course.
4. They learn how to deal with failure.
A couple years ago, we took a rainy-day road trip to a rec center about 45 minutes away. My kids remember that trip for all the wrong reasons. When the lifeguards made them take a swim test, my daughter failed and was told she had to wear a life jacket to go off the diving board. She refused and spent the afternoon moping in the shallow pool. She and her brother still sometimes question why they had to tread water for so long. But when she started her next set of swimming lessons, she dove in with a newfound focus: She was going to learn what she had to do to pass that swim test.
Bottom line: Sometimes being disappointed is exactly what’s needed to build resilient kids. Teach your kids to use their failures as inspiration to learn, to grow, and to try again.
Sound off: What are other things we can do when our kids hit a wall?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you do when things go wrong?”