One proverb says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” You’ve probably experienced this. Maybe there was something your dad said when you were eight that still plays in your head every time you make a mistake. Or perhaps it was that thing your coach said in high school that built you up and made you feel like you could take on the world.
Words matter. Unfortunately, we often speak without thinking. This can be especially true in marriage, where we can get lazy. And while thoughtless words can tear down your wife in ways that might take years to repair, thoughtful ones can change everything. These are not just sweet things to say to your wife, but 6 game-changing marriage statements.
1. “I was wrong.”
These may be the three hardest words to utter in the English language. No one wants to be wrong. Far too often, shame gets attached to making mistakes, so saying “I was wrong” feels like admitting deep brokenness. And, if we’re not careful, marriages can become competitive. But learning to say “I was wrong” is leading with vulnerability. It’s choosing to push back against competition and move toward cooperation. Choosing to admit mistakes creates emotional safety so you and your wife can actually support one another and be on the same team. And by going first, you make it safe for your wife to admit when she is wrong too.
2. “I forgive you.”
Far too often when people tell me they are wrong I respond with, “That’s OK.” And, on the one hand, we want people to know it’s OK to be imperfect. Sometimes we get things wrong. However, sometimes, particularly in intimate relationships like marriage, we can say or do things that are quite hurtful to our spouse. In that moment, when she comes and says “I shouldn’t have said that” or “What I did or said was unfair,” the most freeing thing for your wife to hear is not, “That’s OK” (because it isn’t) or “Don’t worry about it,” but rather “I forgive you.” To forgive doesn’t minimize what was done. It recognizes the wrong but chooses to let go of bitterness and resentment. And far more than just some sweet things to say to your wife, offering forgiveness offers freedom to her, to you, and to your marriage as a whole.
3. “What I hear you saying is…”
This phrase is a marriage communication hack. When you find yourself in an argument with your wife, it’s easy to listen to respond rather than listen to understand. The problem is that you never really get to the bottom of the issue; you just go in circles until you get tired of arguing. But if you practice using the phrase, “What I hear you saying is…,” it will train you to listen so you can put your wife’s concerns in your own words and confirm that it’s what she means. When this happens, conflict can become fertile soil for empathy, understanding, and connection.
4. “That was incredible!”
How often do you tell your wife how incredible you think she is? I don’t just mean coming up with sweet things to say to your wife as a way to build up her confidence or make it more likely she’ll have sex with you later. I mean, how often do you actually pay attention to what your wife does well consistently and make a point to tell her you noticed? Maybe she’s a whiz at details or keeping the family calendar. Perhaps she’s amazing at her job or is gifted at creating a hospitable home for your family and friends. Whatever it is that she does well, tell her. When you do, it says, “What you do matters to me.” And we all want to be valued in our relationships. We want to be seen and known, but also affirmed. Become your wife’s biggest cheerleader. Odds are, she’ll return the favor.
5. “You know what? I’ll do it.”
Maybe it’s the dishes, or perhaps it’s the laundry, mowing the lawn, or making dinner. We all have chores we gravitate toward and those we avoid. Sometimes this works out well when you like different things or do different things well, but have agreed on the division of labor. But typically there’s the thing that no one really wants to do after a long day or a full weekend. And sometimes, it becomes “Who can ignore it long enough that the other person gives in?” What if the next time you noticed that happening, you made the choice to just do it? What if that was a way you could choose to serve your wife in the moment and change the nature of the conversation from “Who gets stuck with it” to “How can I serve you in this moment?”
6. “I want to spend an evening out with just you.”
After a while, it’s easy for every marriage to slip into “cruise control.” This is especially true once you have kids. You stop being intentional, and you do what you need to do every day just to survive. Before you know it, date nights become synonymous with anniversaries. You make a point to go out once a year, but other than that, they’re just not a priority. But what if you broke the cycle by initiating a date night? It’s not just saying, “We should do fun things more,” but rather it’s saying, “Our relationship is a priority. We’re not just coworkers; we’re lovers, and I want to make sure we’re not just surviving together, but thriving.” And if you aren’t feeling particularly romantic, it’s even more important that you begin orienting your life in a way to prioritize growing in love with your wife.
Sound off: What’s another game-changing marriage statement you’ve used with your wife?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What is one thing you’d love to hear me say to you?”