Boyd Epley was a pole vaulter who was known for his impressive workout regimen. The University of Nebraska took notice and hired him to be their football strength coach. He quickly had the athletes working harder than ever. He changed their weightlifting routine. He updated team conditioning. And when the Huskers won back-to-back national championships in 1970 and 1971, the rest of the college football world spotted the reason. Rival coaches flew to Lincoln to copy Nebraska’s new methods.
One motivation tool Epley implemented was the giant leaderboards he hung in the weight room. The signs displayed everyone’s weightlifting records. Each player could look up while lifting and see how far they’d come that season. Their progress was trackable. Those signs reminded the players that their individual success, growth, and future were all up to them. That’s a lesson I want my kids to embrace. If comparison is a big thing in your house, or if you want your kids to have a healthy view of achievement, here are 6 ways to help your kids define success.
1. Remember, there will always be someone “better.”
I showed up eager to run at the NFL Combine right after college. I clocked a 4.57 40-yard dash time, which is pretty fast. A few weeks later, at my Georgia Pro Day, I ran even faster—4.41. That time was incredible for me, but it wouldn’t even crack the all-time top 100 pre-draft times recorded.
Our kids need to know they will likely never be the fastest, smartest, tallest, or any other -est. And that’s OK. Are they becoming the best version of themselves? I was never trying to be Usain Bolt. I wasn’t concerned with being the best, just my best. When being No. 1 is the only acceptable outcome, our kids will struggle with their identity. They’ll feel inadequate when they underachieve and start to believe they’ll never be enough. When others’ success becomes the metric by which we measure our own, we’ll often walk away disappointed. Remind your kids to compare themselves to yesterday, not someone else.
2. There’s no cookie-cutter time frame.
Has your child ever worked hard at something like learning to ride a bike or raise their SAT score? What takes one person six hours may take the next person six months. Both timelines can be defined as successful. It all depends on the person. The problem for our kids is that “fastest” is often equated with “best” or “right,” and that’s simply not true.
Learning how to define success for children starts with acknowledging that there is no cookie-cutter version. When helping kids define success, ask them about their desired timeline. Is it relevant to their goal? Can it be done as quickly as they think? Help them see that not everything happens on schedule. Guide them as they do their best, and encourage them for as long as it takes.
3. You get to define success to children.
Do you know how to define success to children? During my time in the NFL, I saw up close how success got defined differently. In 2007, I caught a career-high six touchdowns. My teammate, Randy Moss, also had a career year—23 touchdowns. The final numbers were very different, but we both had successful seasons because we fulfilled different roles on the same team.
Your kids need to learn that same lesson. Success isn’t about matching someone else’s accomplishments; it’s about making the most of their opportunities and abilities. I wasn’t trying to be Randy Moss. He was one of the greatest receivers ever. I was trying to be the best version of myself. That’s how I defined success.
4. Others shouldn’t dictate your happiness.
If your kids’ attitude spikes or dips based on how other people view them or their accomplishments, they’re in for a rough time. Different peer groups will demand different things from your kids. Those subtle influences will tempt your kid to become a chameleon, doing what it takes to fit in. Chasing others’ approval is exhausting.
Kids will feel the pressure to be athletic, smart, funny, and more. When their happiness is tied to peers’ opinions, that’s a recipe for heartache. Kids will begin to question if the successes they do see are “good enough.” If your child spends his or her life trying to satisfy everyone, they’ll be unhappy more often than not. Remind them that being authentic is the goal.
5. Learning to work hard is the reward.
Ask any NFL player, and they’ll tell you that training camp is hard. It’s long days in the sun and a physical beating. I always just wanted the season to start, but I understood that practice produced discipline, resilience, and sacrifice. All of those things are key variables to success. This applies to more than just football. Your kids may not like all the tedious steps that usually precede success, but there are lessons in the grind.
Your kids won’t see the payoff if they don’t embrace the hard work. Better grades don’t just happen. They require studying. Kids must memorize lines if they want a role in the school play. No matter what their goal is, the hard work to get there, even though it’s sometimes unpleasant, isn’t wasted because it’s building toward something great. They won’t feel the satisfaction of achievement without the grind.
6. Failure often precedes success.
Failure and success are intertwined. If your children expect everything to go according to script, remind them that even the most successful people failed in pursuit of their goals.
Will your kids be crushed by failure? Will it deter them? If so, success will be hard to achieve. Successes often follow a pattern of failure and adjustment. The people who get discouraged during the process and fail to persevere are the ones who struggle the most to find success. When your kids fail, remind them they’re not finished. Failure doesn’t have to be their final chapter.
Sound off: Do you know how to define success to children? What would you say?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you think happens when you compare yourself to others?”