As someone who spends too much time in airports, I have a lot of time to people-watch. When I see a couple who look to be older than 35 being fun, flirtatious, and attentive with each other, I think, I bet they aren’t married. And this is one of the few times I don’t want to be right. Because if wedding rings are any indicator, I am right about nine times out of 10.
We know this dynamic is not just in airports. We see it in the couple on their phones at dinner. We hear it in the couple fighting two aisles over in Walmart. The great news is we get to choose differently. If you are wondering how to make your wife feel loved and secure, it starts with small, consistent choices. Here are 5 ways to make your wife feel loved and secure, starting today.
1. Listen because you need to know.
My wife, Nancie, has three best friends, and I am convinced they remember every single word the others have ever said. Every. Single. Word. Follow-up questions. Details. The works. Me and my best friends? I’m not a caveman; I remember some things. But every single word? Not a chance.
When you were dating your wife, you listened like you needed the information. Because you did. You wanted to know everything about her. You wanted to know how to love her right. She noticed. It is part of why she said yes. She still wants that guy to show up. Present and tuned in. Not half listening while scrolling. Not waiting for your turn to talk, but actually listening like what she is saying is the most important thing in the room. Because to her, it is. Remember?
2. Date her like you can’t wait to.
Maybe you planned it. Maybe she planned it. But you always did your part and cared about the plan. Because dating was the fun stuff. The good stuff. You got married because you enjoyed each other so much that you decided you wanted to do it for a lifetime. The thing that brought you together is the thing that helps keep you together. She wants to be pursued. Treat her like you would choose her all over again.
The best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy it. So stop waiting for a free night to appear on the calendar. Create one. Because you can’t wait to. Remember?
3. Make her laugh because why wouldn’t you?
At some point, life gets serious. Jobs. Kids. Mortgages. Aging parents. It happens to everyone. And somewhere in the middle of all of it, a lot of us accidentally retire the version of ourselves that made her laugh in the first place.
But here is what we do not want to lose. The guy she fell for. The one who made her laugh. The one who didn’t take himself too seriously. Maybe she married the serious version of you. But she also married the fun one. He’s still in there. Bust him out. I periodically walk out in fluorescent yellow scuba skins when needed. Long story. But it works. It always makes her laugh. Do what makes her laugh.
4. Watch your words because you know they matter.
When you were dating her, you were careful with how you spoke to her. You were trying to win her heart, and you knew what was at stake: your life together. You wanted her to see a man who controlled his temper. Who spoke kindly. Who was gentle with her heart.
She still needs you to be that man. And it is still who you want to be for her. The good news is that you know how. You have already proven it in the biggest of ways. When you watch your words, she feels loved. When she feels loved, she feels secure.
5. Dream together because you found your person.
Maybe dreaming together is part of what brought you together in the first place. You loved talking about the future: what could be. You dreamed about where you would live, what your kids would be like, and what you would name them. You dreamed about the things you would do and the things you wouldn’t.
Nancie and I have four kids, we’ve moved across the country, and we’ve lived in seven different homes. And before any of it became reality, we dreamed it up together. Now, as an almost empty nester, I am learning that the couples who keep dreaming together are the ones who love the season they’re in. We are not done dreaming. Neither are you. And when you keep dreaming together, she feels loved and secure in a way that nothing else quite replaces.
Sound off: What is one thing you do to make sure your wife still feels like your girlfriend?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What is one thing I could do to make this weekend a 10 for you?”