My buddy Jason is a great guy. He’s funny, kind, and thoughtful. And yet, a while back, he told me his marriage was struggling. He said that his wife felt like she didn’t know him, and they found parenting together incredibly difficult. To make matters worse, Jason is a people pleaser. So when she would get frustrated, rather than engaging in healthy conflict to work through it, Jason would typically just cave to make her happy. This added to the gnawing sense that she just didn’t really know him, and so ironically, his desire to please her drove her further away from him.
Sadly, for my friend Jason and many men, we face relationship dysfunction of our own making. While marriage is a two-way street, and both parties always have skin in the game, sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. Here are 5 relationship killers men often bring into marriage.
1. Poor Self-Image
Many men struggle with poor self-image. Whether it’s a result of how you were parented, experiences you had growing up, or something else, when you struggle to see yourself as deserving of love, it can make it difficult to open up to your wife. Intimacy becomes challenging, if not impossible, because you’re fearful of letting her in. This can create isolation, frustration, and resentment within the marriage relationship, becoming one of the real relationship killers.
If you can’t love yourself, you can’t let yourself be loved by someone else. A healthy relationship begins with a healthy self-image, but it can be difficult to change the story you’re telling yourself. You’ll need some help. This could be as simple as journaling your thoughts about yourself and sharing them with someone you trust to get feedback. Perhaps even better would be seeing a therapist who can help you sort through those thoughts and change your narrative.
2. Emotional Immaturity
One of the relationship killers men often bring to their marriage is emotional immaturity. Many of us never saw our parents have a difficult conversation and then work through it. Or maybe we had a parent who simply got defensive whenever he was challenged or melted down and needed to be taken care of. And the inability to regulate our emotions–recognizing when you’re hurt or angry and channeling that into constructive responses–can wreak havoc on our marriages. All of this and more are signs of emotional immaturity.
If you’re recognizing these patterns in yourself, the first step is to admit it to yourself and your wife, and the second is to seek the help of a counselor who can walk with you in developing the skills you need to grow in this area. Self-reflection and honesty are necessary if you’re going to begin to mature emotionally.
3. Shame
Shame is toxic to you and to those you love. We often confuse shame and guilt, but research professor Brené Brown makes a helpful distinction. She suggests that guilt is incredibly helpful as it acknowledges that we did something that doesn’t measure up to our personal values (I lied, or I screamed at my kids), whereas shame says some version of “I’m damaged. There’s something wrong with me.” Shame is one of the most effective relationship killers out there.
If you’re living with a sense that you just can’t measure up, as difficult as it is, it’s important to bring that into the light. Consider writing down your thoughts and feelings and then sharing those with a trusted friend. You might be surprised by how your internal shame dialogue sounds to others, and they can then suggest alternative ways of seeing yourself and the situation. Learning to love yourself is difficult, but necessary, not just for you, but for your marriage.
4. Conflict Avoidance
Look, very few people like conflict. We all want people to like us and generally be happy with us. And yet, life is rarely like that. Because people are imperfect, it’s inevitable that there will be disagreements, misunderstandings, and conflict. This is especially true in marriage, where you’re not only in an intimate relationship with another human, but you’re also trying to build a life together in ways you’ve never done before. Conflict is not only inevitable, but it’s also necessary for you to learn and grow together. Conflict avoidance, then, is one of the sneaky relationship killers in that you feel like you’re doing the right thing by not creating conflict, but in reality, you’re running away from intimacy and growth.
Conflict, if engaged graciously and humbly, can be a real gift to you and your marriage. Choosing to lean in when you want to run and hide can make all the difference in the world. What if you were to simply name for your wife the tension you feel? What if you said something like: “Look, this is hard for me to say, but I want to be honest with you. It’s possible that I’m wrong, but I want you to know how I feel, and you are welcome to disagree.” Facing the conflict and working through it with your wife helps you grow personally and strengthens your relationship.
5. Poor Communication
Poor communication is one of the biggest relationship killers. Communication is essential to everyday life, and when you can’t get on the same page, it’s hard to thrive together. Misunderstandings become blow-ups. Feelings get hurt. Actions are misinterpreted. What’s supposed to be a partnership can feel like a tug-of-war.
That said, poor communication is also the challenge that is probably the easiest to fix. If you truly want a better marriage, there are some communication skills you can begin practicing right away, such as active listening, paying attention to your tone, being as clear as possible, and being mindful of facial expressions and body language. Communicating well just takes a little practice and effort, but it can go a long way in strengthening your relationship.
Sound off: What other relationship killers are out there?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What is something I do well when we have an argument, and what’s something I need to work on?”