I spent 16 seasons in the NFL playing for four different franchises. When you’re part of a team, you’re loyal to the core. You bleed those team colors, no matter what. Of course, there are former teammates and guys you admire on the opposite sideline, but your allegiance is to your own helmet. I still want to see the Patriots, Browns, Ravens, and Saints succeed. But at one point in my career, I didn’t care as much about the Buffalo Bills’ success. They were a division rival when I played in New England. So, color me shocked when my son came to me and asked to take a trip to see my old rival in person. I couldn’t believe it.
It turned out to be a great day of memory-making with my son in an environment I used to detest. But that’s what dads do. We stretch ourselves for our kids. My son is becoming his own man. He cheers for Buffalo royal and red, not New England nautical blue and silver. And you know what? Because of my son, I’m now a Bills fan too. If you haven’t been outside of your comfort zone in a while, here are 5 things that happen when you stretch as a dad.
1. You let your kids do the dreaming.
One of the gifts of raising kids is embracing how different they can be from us. Realizing this and accepting that they are not mini versions of who we are can make us grow as dads. My kids are becoming their own people, which means they are the ones who get to dream about what they want for their lives, not me. It’s tempting to want to control their dreams, especially if there’s a strong possibility that they’ll fail. But it’s better to go along with the dream. Succeed or fail, you will be better off letting go of control and stretching yourself as a dad.
2. You get to experience new things with your kids.
With the Buffalo trip, I wanted to be open to the experience and how it would impact my son. It wasn’t my first choice for a destination, but it was his, and that mattered. Being there for my son and watching him take it all in showed him that I supported his interests, even if they weren’t my own. I got some quality one-on-one time with him, and we had fun. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have gone to Buffalo, but I followed his lead, experienced something different, and am glad I did. Because I got out of my comfort zone, my son and I had a great trip together. We’ll forever have this shared memory. And thanks to him, I now cheer for the Bills. His team has become my team too.
When we try new things with our kids, we really grow as dads. So go ahead: Watch the movies they like. Listen to their favorite band with them and read the books they find fascinating, so you have something to talk about. Dads who push themselves beyond familiar territory create new memories with their kids and build deeper connections. Those experiences will shape our kids in ways we couldn’t have imagined if we hadn’t moved out of our comfort zones to get there.
3. You get to know your kids better.
Not only does your connection strengthen, but you also understand your kids on a more profound level. Going to that once-hostile stadium allowed me to see things through my son’s eyes. I learned more about him as a person, too, including his motivations and interests, by talking with him as we planned the trip and while we flew to our destination. When we make time for our kids and experience new things together, we get to know them better as individuals.
Have you ever noticed that conversations about our kids’ interests just flow more easily? Our kids tend to light up when we ask questions about their favorite basketball team, pop singer, or video game. So, get your kids talking. Ask questions that may be a little outside your area of expertise and learn new things. The payoff is having a fresh appreciation and love for this child that means so much to you.
4. You learn the value of sacrifice.
There are many sacrifices parents make for their kids. It comes with the role of being a good dad. We give up golfing on Saturdays to attend T-ball games. We give up “guys’ night” to see the school play. When we start living sacrificially, we learn the value behind those sacrifices. We learn that when we show up for our kids, their confidence goes up. They develop higher self-esteem because they realize they matter to their dad. Sacrificing means minimizing yourself to elevate your kids. When you do this, you’re modeling love, kindness, and support to your child. You’re being a good role model.
5. You grow emotionally.
Think of the last time your kid got excluded from something or got picked on. You probably hurt for them. Being a dad can be an emotional yo-yo, but not every dad shows their emotions. They hide those feelings, except for maybe the socially acceptable ones like fear and anger. Don’t buy the lie that you have to look tough all the time. Stretch yourself by being emotionally vulnerable with your kids. Let them see you cry when you have lost someone you care about, when you get passed over for a promotion, or when you watch a touching scene in a movie. Let them see you crack because you aren’t made of stone—you have real feelings, just like they do.
It may feel unnatural to show your emotions, but you stretch yourself as a dad when you give yourself permission to feel without shame. Don’t suppress your range or stay one-dimensional. Don’t be afraid to show your true emotions so your kids know it’s OK for them to do it too.
Sound off: What are some sacrifices many parents make for their kids? What was the best memory you made with your kids?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean when something is stretching you?”