In 2001, when I first started working with married couples at our church, I went to Barnes and Noble to learn everything I could about marriage. Instead of a handful of books, I found an entire section. That moment hit me hard. I thought about couples who didn’t have the time to study marriage for a living and how overwhelming that wall of books must feel. I decided that day I would work hard to give couples simple go-and-dos they could actually go and do. Fast forward 20 years, and there are more than 150,000 marriage books now on Amazon. So small, clear action steps are more important than ever.
A few years ago, I sat down with leading marriage experts and asked, “If you could only tell married couples one thing, what would it be?” I loved their answers, and I think you will too. Here are 4 things marriage experts say you should do.
1. Know your wife’s temperament.
“Why are you mad? I was just trying to help.” Sound familiar? Most couples have had that moment when one spouse swears they were being kind, and the other insists it didn’t feel that way. If you’ve ever wondered how to improve communication in marriage, it’s not because one of you is bad at marriage; it’s because you’re wired differently.
Marriage expert Kathleen Edelman explains that kindness in marriage starts with knowing yourself and your spouse, especially how your inborn temperaments impact communication. She explains that people are born either task-oriented or people-oriented, introverted or extroverted. Your wiring, plus your spouse’s wiring, radically impact how you communicate. Pay attention to the words they need most (respect, affection, harmony, and so forth). Before speaking, ask: “Is what I’m about to say helpful for building them up?” When you tailor your words to your spouse’s wiring, you’ll reduce conflict, increase connection, and feel understood at a deeper level.
2. Stay close emotionally to stay close physically.
Do you ever feel like you are on different pages with your wife sexually? You are not the only ones. In a national survey of over 40,000 married couples, 62% said they felt unsatisfied or unfulfilled in their sexual relationship. False messages about sex, exhaustion, and busy schedules make connection feel more like pressure than pleasure.
Author and speaker Dr. Jim Burns explains that emotional intimacy fuels physical intimacy, and both require intentional effort. So be deliberate about small gestures of affection throughout the day. Know your spouse’s needs and serve them. Schedule intimacy when life gets crowded, like you would any other priority. When you keep emotional and physical intimacy connected, sex becomes less of a stress point and more of a time of connection.
3. Talk about money as teammates, not opponents.
Do you ever feel like you have married your money opposite? Apparently, most people do. One study found that the average couple argues about money 58 times a year, and part of that survey noted 43% of couples disagree about what counts as a “necessity” in their monthly spending. Different spending habits, saving styles, and hidden fears make financial talks frustrating and exhausting.
Researcher Shaunti Feldhahn says money in marriage is either a source of conflict or a tool for connection, and you get to choose. So talk openly about your money values. Respect each other’s fears instead of blowing them off or rushing past them. Create a budget that reflects both your priorities, even if it means compromise. Instead of money being a wedge, it really can become a way to show love, trust, and teamwork.
4. Protect daily emotional connection.
Think back to when you were dating. You could talk for hours about anything and everything. Fast-forward a few years, and now the conversations are about who’s doing carpool or what’s for dinner. If you don’t pay attention, the emotional connection can quietly slip away.
Marriage and family coach Dr. Joshua Straub encourages couples to guard their connection by making space to connect emotionally every day. Take 15 minutes daily to ask heart-level questions: “What was the best part of your day?” “What was the hardest part of your day?” Listen without fixing. Don’t treat your wife like your roommate, but like your person. Let her know you support her and she is safe with you, no matter what life throws at you. And that’s what keeps you enjoying your marriage for the long haul.
Final Thoughts
Marriage doesn’t have to feel complicated. You don’t need 150,000 books to make progress. What you need are small steps you can actually take. Pick one of these pieces of advice this week and try it. Little steps add up to real change, and real change can make a big difference in your marriage.
Sound off: Which piece of advice do you think would make the biggest difference in your marriage right now?
Huddle up with your wife and ask: “What’s one thing I can do this week to make you feel loved?”