My wife was asleep when our son was born. Yep, you read that right. She was asleep. She had been in labor for 24 hours, had been in serious pain for 12, and hadn’t slept for 40. So when the spinal tap was given to prepare her for an emergency C-section, she understandably faded out. Moments later, my son entered the world and was immediately put on a scale. The nurse walked away and I was left alone with him. I had no idea what to do. The only thing I could think to say was, “Don’t worry buddy, your mom will wake up soon.” Ugh. It took a little while for me to find my legs as a dad, but eventually I did—which is good because dads bring a lot to the table.
I’m not taking anything away from moms. They’re the best. I’ve learned so much about parenting from my wife, my own mom, and so many other women who do a great job raising their kids. However, dads have a unique impact and relationships with their kids. Active fatherhood makes a huge difference. That’s why it’s so important for us to be in the game of raising kids. So, here’s a question to ask yourself: Are you deferring to Mom too much? Here are some signs you might be and why things may need to change.
1. You feel lost when she’s away.
There’s a character in the movie Mom’s Night Out who is a dad and afraid of kids. When his wife tells him she’s going out for the night, he freaks, almost into a full panic attack. It’s funny for a movie, but we shouldn’t feel nervous or overwhelmed about being alone with the kids, especially for a couple of hours.
Yes, it’s harder to navigate without a partner, but we shouldn’t feel any more ill-equipped or lost when she’s not around than we do when she’s there. Active fatherhood means we’re raising kids just as much as moms are, so if we don’t know what we’re doing (and there will be plenty of days we don’t), then we need to read, study, learn, and get on the same page with our kids’ mom so we DO know what we’re doing.
Bottom line: If you’re feeling lost, get up to speed.
2. You always hold back your opinion.
Do you find yourself not sharing your opinion because you think she knows more? OK. Do you hold back consistently, often, or all of the time? When holding back becomes the norm, then you’re deferring too much. She may know more—my wife does—but that doesn’t mean your perspective isn’t helpful, insightful, or at the very least, will make the final decision(s) wiser.
Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Iron can’t sharpen itself; it needs the friction that other iron brings. Listening is good. It’s one of the best things you can do as a father, husband, friend, and human being. But your family also benefits from what you have to contribute and say. You need to learn from your wife/kid’s mom, but she also needs to learn from you.
Bottom line: Your opinion may not always be right, but more often than not, it’s good to share it.
3. You rely on her initiative.
How much time do you spend thinking about your kids? Do you think about their struggles—how they need help, how they’re lagging behind or need development, what their friend situation looks like, and their emotional state? Are you observant enough to gauge what’s happening with them and what they need, or do you rely on your wife/their mom to bring it up? Passivity is a sure sign of deferring too much. Some of us—I would include myself here—are not as observant as moms. They might always see things before us, but active fatherhood means we engage more, especially when we don’t know. And in those cases, we need to show initiative and ask questions. Engage your wife/kid’s mom and ask, “Do you think James is doing OK lately? Are you seeing any struggles? Anything I’m missing with him lately?”
Bottom line: Observe, engage, and ask questions.
4. You consistently defer decisions to her.
Have you ever asked your wife what she wants for dinner and she says, “You decide. I don’t want to make any more decisions!” That’s great that you get to choose the dinner plan. But it’s a sign you might be leaving too many decisions for her to make on her own. Ask her if there are any decisions she’d like for you to take off of her plate—or at least chime in on—to ease the pressure. When we consistently defer decisions to her, it can easily build up resentment and frustration.
Bottom line: Relieve her of her decision-making burden.
5. You rely on her entirely to plan and set the schedules.
One of the most popular iMOM podcasts was called “The Invisible Load of Motherhood.” Moms feel the burden of planning and setting the schedules for kids. If you’re anything like me, you fail to step in to help with this aspect of parenting. More often than not, my wife will ask for my input, plan everything, set the schedule, and then put the plan in front of me, only to have me look like a deer in the headlights. There are so many details, it’s hard for me to keep track. But active fatherhood means not leaving it all to her. These are the details of the family, and they’re important to know and organize so we function well. There’s a verse in Ephesians that says, “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity…” Planning and setting schedules helps us make the most of our time with our kids and their development.
Bottom line: Be involved in planning and creating the schedules.
Sound off: Are you deferring to Mom too much?
Huddle up with your wife/kid’s and ask, “Is there anything you would like me to take the lead on with the kids? Anything you want off your plate?”