5 Signs You and Your Wife Need to See a Therapist

I remember a few years ago I was sitting across the table from a friend. He was complaining about his wife. While he deeply loved her, there were things that they just couldn’t get past. He was clearly frustrated. “So, have you guys considered seeing someone?” I offered. “Oh,” he responded, clearly a little surprised. “We’re not THAT messed up.”

I’ve encountered many individuals throughout the years who continue to hold onto the stereotype that only “really messed up” people go to see therapists. However, the truth is, we all could use some help from time to time. Even the healthiest marriages at times can use someone asking good questions and challenging entrenched behaviors. So, even if you have a good marriage overall, here are 5 signs you and your wife need to see a therapist.

1. You keep having the same argument.

Is there one thing that just keeps coming up? Maybe it’s about how you or she spends money or your tendency to prioritize work over family. Whatever it is, if there’s something you just can’t seem to make progress on, it might be helpful to have an objective third party to weigh in. Any successful couple’s therapist is excellent at helping couples learn to really listen to one another. Sometimes, the reason you keep circling around the same thing is because you’re both so busy defending your position, you haven’t done the work to really listen well to each other. If you’re wondering when to go to couples therapy, having the same argument over and over might be a sign.

2. You’d rather stay at work than go home.

Have you ever found yourself more excited about work than about heading home? On the one hand, you might just love what you do, which is fantastic. However, if showing up at the office feels like a reprieve from what is happening at home, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist. Enjoying your job is great. But home should feel like a sanctuary. If you’re wondering when to go to couples therapy, dragging your feet as you leave the office because you anticipate difficult conversations when you walk through the door, might be a sign.

3. You’re hiding things.

Have you ever found yourself intentionally hiding something from your wife? Is there a friendship you have at the office that you think she might take issue with? Or, maybe it’s how you’re spending your money when you’re out with the guys. Whatever it is, marriages shouldn’t have secrets. That doesn’t mean she needs to read every text you send. But it does mean you probably shouldn’t be sending texts that, if she happened across them, would create an issue. If you’re wondering when to go to couples therapy, keeping secrets from your wife might be a strong sign.

4. You’re disinterested in her.

Look, I completely understand that not all marriages are full of passion. Depending on your stage of life, intimacy may be hard to come by. For those of us with young children, special needs children, adult children who depend on us, or any number of other scenarios, it can take every ounce of energy we have to simply make it through the day, making intimacy a rare thing. That, in and of itself, is not a red flag—it’s just part of the normal human experience. However, if you’re wondering when to go to couples therapy, losing interest in your wife and forgetting why it was that you fell in love in the first place might be a strong sign.

5. You’re bitter.

Few things should sound the alarm in marriage like bitterness. Maybe you’re starting to notice that you don’t just get frustrated with your wife, you resent her. Or you find yourself replaying things she’s done or said in ways that make you angry. Perhaps you blame her for how your marriage has fallen short of what you’d hoped it could be. Whatever the source of the bitterness, you’re going to need some help shifting your perspective. Maya Angelou once said, “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host.” It’s not just bad for your relationship—it’s bad for you!  If you’re wondering when to go to couples therapy, recognizing bitterness in your heart is a signal it’s well past time!

Sound off: Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Is there anywhere in our relationship where you think we could use some help?”