Kirsten and I met at UGA and just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Our marriage is a gift in every way. We have been blessed with good times and bad, seven wonderful children in our home (plus two we never got to hold), and a lifetime of lessons to share. By no means are we perfect. We have so much more to learn and areas in which to grow, but the feeling of joy and accomplishment I have right now is indescribable.
Being a husband and dad is special. And because my kids may grow up to have spouses, I know that what I’m doing now is setting an example for them—so I can’t take a single day, conversation, or moment for granted. You can’t either. If you’re a husband, every day is a teaching opportunity, so that means your moments matter. Like I said, I’m not perfect, but I have learned a few things over the last two decades about how to have a long-lasting, happy marriage. Here are 5 things 20 years of marriage taught me.
1. Your wife must be your top priority.
Not should be. Must be. Of all the people on earth, nobody should be higher on your list of priorities than your wife. Not your boss. Not your kids. Your wife is No. 1. It solidifies your partnership in the eyes of others and shows that the commitment you made to her is stronger than steel. Obviously, there are others who can add joy to your life, but your wife should never play second fiddle to anyone.
2. Your wife needs encouragement.
Let’s estimate that I’ve spent eight hours per day with Kirsten over the last 20 years. That’s 60,000 hours! Do your own math and see how much you’ve invested in each other. Now ask yourself what you’ve done with it? Did you use it to learn her tendencies? To study her? To recognize when she needs encouragement? When you know your wife, you position yourself to lift her up when she’s feeling low. You can be her spark when she’s feeling challenged. Being her biggest cheerleader will bond you, so look for opportunities to get to know your wife better so you can lift her up.
3. Your relationship still needs work.
If you’re like most men, career success is important to you. That was true for me, which is why I poured hours of my time into studying film, lifting weights, and preparing to execute well on Sundays. Why? Because playing NFL football mattered to me, and I wanted to succeed. The same dedication to greatness should be applied to our marriages. The altar is not the finish line. It’s the starting line. Don’t settle for an OK marriage. Keep building your relationship into the best version it can be. This means showing patience with your wife, forgiving often, and living sacrificially. Be grateful for what your marriage is, while also understanding what it can be through hard work—kinder, more loving, and deeper than it is today.
4. You are teammates, even when you disagree.
Traditional vows include the phrase “for better or for worse.” Kirsten and I have had a lot of “better” but also a lot of “worse” in 20 years. Not every day is perfect, and not every discussion ends in agreement. But we vowed to be teammates for life. So did you. When you and your wife disagree—and it probably happens often—remember that the argument is an opportunity. It’s a chance to show each other love despite friction. Don’t allow disagreements to become wedges between you. Try to see your wife’s point of view—don’t dismiss it—and remember that you are teammates, not opponents.
5. Your kids are watching you.
Your kids are watching you because they see you all the time. So, vow to be a really good husband. Don’t do it just for show. Do it because it’s for the good of your relationship and your home. Your kids want to know that you care about their mother and would do anything for her. They also want to know how to have a long-lasting, happy marriage—just like most people. So do your best to model one. Keep your wife first. Encourage her, work on your bond, and disagree with love. Follow this pattern, and the next 20 years of your marriage—and beyond—can serve as a powerful example of what relationships can be.
Sound off: What is the first lesson you’d share if asked how to have a long-lasting, happy marriage?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How many years would you need to be married to consider it a long marriage?”