“Sticks and stones…” My guess is you can easily finish that saying. Early in childhood, many of us were taught this by well-meaning parents or other adults. And from the moment we heard it, somewhere deep down inside, we knew it was a lie. The truth is, few things can be as destructive as words, and yet rarely does something so dangerous get carried with such carelessness.
Sadly, many of our marriages bear the marks of this careless handling of words. In a moment of anger or frustration, we say the thing we know will get a reaction or cause our partner pain. We would never raise a hand to her, but we don’t need to. Our words do the work. And while there are many examples of toxic phrases in a relationship that should never be uttered, there are 3 phrases that will destroy your marriage.
1. It’s your fault…
Blame. It’s a common tactic when we’re fighting with our spouses. We’re upset about something—decisions the kids have made, the state of our finances, the in-laws have shown up at the house with no invitation (and no warning)—and amid disagreeing around how to handle it, we lob the accusation that everything would be OK if you would’ve done something different. In other words, “This is your fault.”
Of all the toxic phrases in a relationship, this may be the easiest to utter and the most destructive to the relationship itself. It’s easy, because we never want to feel responsible for something that goes wrong, and it’s destructive because it immediately creates a chasm between you. It’s no longer “us;” it’s “you versus me.” What we most often need isn’t the assignment of blame (What does it matter whose fault it is anyway?) but the commitment to moving forward together in a way that brings change. Blame brings division. Grace brings connection.
2. Remember when you…
Thankfully, I’ve never done anything in marriage or parenting that I regret. I’ll pause while you finish laughing. Of course I have. So have you. So has your wife. We all make mistakes because we’re human, and we’re flawed, and parenting and marriage and life are all unbelievably hard and complex—which is why grace is such a gift, and unforgiveness is such a cruel weapon.
I know that thing she said early on in marriage hurt you. Yes she made that decision that was unwise. Of course she could’ve parented differently in that situation. But these types of things can be said for all of us. However, when you choose to hold onto those mistakes, you make yourself a prisoner of the past. And when you bring it up, you are attempting to imprison your wife with you. And of course, there is no flourishing in prison, only languishing. In the prison of unforgiveness, judgment crowds out love. The only hope for a life of love together is a commitment to forgiveness.
3. If only you were like…
Our culture runs off of comparison. The way we fuel our economy is by getting everyone to want things they don’t need to create an impossibly idyllic life sold to them by others who believe the same lie: “What I have is not good enough.” And while this can be destructive in numerous ways, it can decimate a marriage. One of the most toxic phrases in a relationship is “if only you were like…”
This happens when you look to a friend’s marriage or perhaps a sibling or even your parents. You see the way they did things and you begin thinking, or even saying, “If only my wife were like her.” Of course, you may not have said it exactly that way. Regardless, the phrase introduces a framework that is untenable. A person cannot thrive who is expected to be someone other than him or herself. And a marriage cannot thrive if it has to live under the harsh light of comparison. Gratitude and contentment are the keys to joy in life and in marriage.
Sound off: What are some other potentially toxic phrases in a relationship?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What particular phrases need to be out of bounds in our marriage?”