My 11-year-old son was all in when we repainted the deck last summer. He helped move all the furniture off the deck. He “carried” the floor sander to the backyard and did a good chunk of the sanding. And when it came time to paint, you couldn’t pry the roller out of his hands. And while he did a pretty good job of staining the deck, there are a few spots where the stain is uneven. The difference bothered me so much that the perfectionist in me wanted to sand it down and reapply the stain. But when I watched my son explain to his older brother that HE had painted the deck, I knew I had to leave it the way it was.
Life with kids is anything but orderly. Many dads are tempted to fight that, but when we choose to welcome the mess, we give our kids room to discover, create, and grow. Here are 5 times you need to be cool with your kids’ imperfections.
1. Accept imperfection when they break stuff.
A few years back, I spent a week patching and painting the basement. Within hours of being allowed into the refreshed basement, my sons had put a couple of hockey-stick-sized holes in the walls. Someday, it’s going to be a huge job to fix it all, but my sons can tell me all about the epic save that happened on one side, and the overtime winner that happened on the other.
While it’s often tempting to try and maintain that show-home quality look, kids at play will often break things. When a dad lets go of this and lets them play anyway, his kids have a chance to make memories that will last long after the walls get fixed.
2. Accept imperfection when they’re struggling.
My daughter got her first grade below 60 percent in 10th grade and took it really hard. Having been an honors student through middle school, barely passing a high school assignment left her in tears. She felt even worse because she knew she hadn’t given it her best effort. This was a sensitive moment where I had to bite my lip and listen instead of saying “I told you so.”
Kids know how dads handle moments where things aren’t going well. If you’re quick to dismiss their problems or start to lecture them, they may be hesitant to come and talk to you in the future. But if you show love and compassion, they’ll know you’re the safest one to talk to whether they have a flat tire or need a ride home from a late-night party.
3. Accept the imperfection when they’re trying something new.
The driving lesson was going well until the moment my son took his foot off the accelerator, halfway through a turn. While I could see cars bearing down on us, I tried to keep my voice calm as I told him to floor it, getting us through the turn safely (but just barely). After pulling over to talk things through and to let my heart rate return to normal, we went back to the same intersection so he could try the turn again.
As a dad, you’re going to make mistakes, and so will your kid. Letting them try something new and then try again helps them become more confident, more willing to take risks, and to take a measurable step on the road to adulthood.
4. Accept imperfection when they take a different path.
The first time I tried to play catch with my son, I don’t think he caught the ball once. The more I tried to help him out, the more frustrated he got, eventually throwing the glove on the lawn and heading back into the house. I’d envisioned a situation like this where we’d bond in that stereotypical father-son way, but had to let go and accept that baseball might not be his thing.
It’s probably not news that your kids are different from you. They have different talents and different dreams. Maybe he doesn’t love sports, but excels with art. Perhaps he’s not strong in math and English, but he’s a whiz with anything mechanical. When you accept that he might not be good at something you love or hope for, you leave him room to find his own gifts and loves.
5. Accept imperfection when they want to help and things take twice as long.
Every October, I put winter tires on our family cars, and then in April, I switch them back to all-seasons. Whenever my kid sees me heading to the garage, he follows and wants to be hands-on with every step of the operation. His “help” often means that tire changes and other DIY projects take twice as long as they would if I were on my own.
Whatever project you’re working on, you have to learn how to do it too. A dad who lets go of his timetable to spend time working with his kid also has the chance to mentor his kid to someday be able to do the projects himself.
Sound off: What other times do you need to be cool with your kids’ imperfections?
Huddle up with your kids and ask: “What’s something you’d like to do without my help?”