I heard a shout of anger coming from the other room that was so explosive, I had to step away from my laptop. My son was firing up a fresh tirade, frustrated at being asked to do the most unbearable task possible—schoolwork. His desire for free time and his duty to finish math problems collided. The resulting noises could wake the neighbors. Perhaps they have questions about our parenting.
My son is not like me. He’s an overly emotional child, and his fuse is super short. That’s been a challenge for me, because I’m pretty even-keeled. His highs are Everest, and his lows are the ocean floor. When he goes into a spiral (which is often) and his emotions start winning, it’s my cue to step in. I’m still learning how to help him navigate his feelings. The biggest takeaway for me so far is that my child’s big emotions are not a problem to solve, but an opportunity to love him and demonstrate I care about him no matter what. If you are also dealing with this parenting challenge, here are 5 things that have helped me handle my overly emotional child.
1. Pause.
Do you feel relaxed around screamers? I can feel my stress level rise when emotions get my son’s volume spiking. When you feel that change in your body, remember the words of James 1:19: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” The original meaning of the word “slow” is to be “inactive.” Try this at home. Pause when the emotional temperature starts rising. It will reset you and prevent an unhelpful reaction. Breathe. Rest. Resist the urge to match your kid’s elevated emotions.
2. Dig.
My son was having a tough day and on the verge of tears. All I’d done was ask him to clean his room. Instead of yelling, I started digging. “Is something bugging you, bud?” He brought up an interaction from days before that I didn’t even know had bothered him. Highly emotional kids operate at a baseline smolder. Their feelings are like hot embers in a fire pit. They aren’t blazing, but hot enough to ignite whatever is placed on top. What is often undetectable is actually combustible.
You have to get under the surface of your kid’s emotions. Dig down deep and figure out the root issue. Asking questions in a nonjudgmental tone softens the digging. Your overly emotional child will feel more understood than attacked when you approach them that way. You may not get a ton of information when you first start digging, but you will plant a seed that says, “You can come to me in your hardest moments.” That’s a powerful promise. Triggering moments pull big emotions to the surface. If you dig down, you’ll find the real issue.
3. Feel.
I vented to my wife in the car during one date night about how my son’s emotional ups and downs were bugging me. I know, romantic stuff. But we’d just had a moment prior to getting in the car when I tried to help him through an outburst, and it didn’t work at all. It’s because I was trying to just fix it quickly, so I didn’t have to listen anymore and could go on my date. I was attempting to fix. My son wanted me to feel. I messed up.
I have heard the Bible verse that says, “Weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn.” Honestly, in my head, I’d just reserved that response for funerals. But it applies to everyday life too. My highly emotional child constantly gives me opportunities to empathize. It’s not always easy to stop and feel with him, but that’s when emotional kids feel loved—when we stop to weep when they weep and mourn when they mourn. Emotional regulation for kids isn’t about “getting past” feeling hard and deep. It’s about having a partner in the battle. A simple, “Buddy, that sounds really hard,” is a real game-changer.
4. Discuss.
At home, my kids have learned that I’m there to talk through each of their hard feelings. It is a way to explore their emotions together and not leave them on an island to deal with them alone. Sometimes that process is challenging, but I focus on helping them figure out how to express their feelings appropriately. In moments of frustration, my son has yelled or thrown something in response to his anger. I don’t mind the anger. I do mind the reaction. So, we discuss. “It’s OK to feel upset about this. It’s not OK to throw something because it could hit someone and hurt them.”
Having open conversations about what your overly emotional child is feeling is healing. As my friend Ted Lowe says, this is the kid’s first time being human. They’re trying to figure life out. Do we care about them enough to discuss what they’re feeling together?
5. Anticipate.
Jesus preached that we should be “peacemakers.” Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” If we analyze how our kids have dealt with past emotions and anticipate them happening again, we’ve prepared to be peacemaking parents, ready with gentle answers. Get ahead of your overly emotional child by thinking about how you handled things in the past. What worked? What backfired?
Another great way to anticipate is to check your calendar. What’s coming for your kids? Emotions get big when moments get big. Life changes, schedule changes, birthdays, and holidays all invite emotional shifts. So do report cards, school events, sports tournaments, music or dance recitals. Anticipate which events will feed their smoldering emotional embers.
Sound off: What challenges you the most about having an overly emotional child?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What feeling do you have most often?”