It had been a long delivery, but my friend Sam had been the ideal husband as his wife gave birth to their first child. He’d held his wife’s hand, encouraged her, reminded her of all the things she was supposed to practice from their prenatal class, and had just finished passing the little girl into mama’s arms. He stretched out his back and declared loudly, “Man, I am so, so sore right now.”
As nurses shook their heads at this tone-deaf statement, Sam realized this was the wrong thing to say. He and his wife laugh about it now, but it was a good lesson that many men must learn. There are moments when saying nothing is better than saying something. Here are 6 things a husband should never say to his wife.
1. “I know better.”
It’s not bad that you like to share the things you know with your wife. The problem can be how you choose to share them with her. Men can get called out for “mansplaining” when they become condescending as they explain things. Some do this to feel better about themselves. Others do it without even realizing they are being condescending. Try to give your wife the benefit of the doubt: Assume she knows how to replace the toner cartridge in the printer or how to use a set of booster cables. Ask questions to see how she’s going to tackle the problem, and then offer gentle advice and encouragement as needed. Even when you offer advice, you can offer it in the form of a question: “Have you thought of…?” It’s a little softer. You could even ask her, “Do you want me to help with the problem? Brainstorm solutions? Or do you just want me to understand?”
2. “Remember how you messed up?”
Part of marriage is working through the failures and shortcomings you both have. There may be moments when you need to call her out on something. There will be other times when she needs to do the same for you. The problem is bringing it up later to deflect from one of your own shortcomings or to score some sort of imaginary points. Taking a cheap shot like this might feel good for a moment, but ultimately, it’s going to hurt her and do damage to your relationships. Instead of reminding her she messed up, give her grace. It’s demeaning to remind her of her failings and will make her want to pull away. That’s the damage it’ll do. So be mindful of what you say and how you say it.
3. “You’re being emotional.”
When one of her colleagues was on vacation, my wife spent two weeks working with a coworker who was constantly negative and harsh. She’d come home angry, hurt, and frustrated. In moments like this, one of the things a husband should never say to his wife is that she’s being emotional. Instead, step forward and give her a hug. Men and women both experience emotions, but many women just tend to be more comfortable expressing them. This can make men uncomfortable. If your wife experiences emotions more intensely than you do, she may deal with her feelings in a different way too. Remember that it’s OK and healthy to express emotions. When your wife is having a hard time, she needs you to listen, to know that you hear her, that her feelings matter, and that you’re there for her.
4. “Your _____ isn’t as good as my mom’s.”
There’s a story of a newly married man who examined the mashed potatoes his wife had made for dinner and said, “That’s not how my mom makes them.” Their first fight promptly followed. It’s OK to want to imitate the positive attributes other people have and to share what you really love with your wife, but beware of making her feel like she’s always got to match someone else’s best. When you compare your wife’s cooking, her mannerisms, or her appearance to someone else, the underlying message is that you think she’s not good enough.
5. “I can’t believe you did that.”
Maybe you’ve had a moment like I did: My wife once took the corner in the drive-thru too tightly, smashing the headlight and caving in the bumper on our van. She felt horrible. The thing not to say to your wife in that moment is “I can’t believe you did that.” She knows she messed up, and piling on won’t do any good (nor will it fix what she broke). Instead of blaming her, empathize. We all make mistakes! Let her know you’ll help her find a way out, whether that’s getting the van fixed or helping her figure out who to ask for help.
6. “What do you do all day, anyway?”
If your wife takes care of the home and kids while you go to work, you might get home and see the same pair of socks on the floor or the same dishes in the sink as when you left. Telling her you don’t know what she does all day reflects more on you than on her. A stay-at-home mom is constantly on call: chauffeuring, nursing wounds, prepping meals, refereeing fights, and a hundred other things. You might have fixed work hours, but her workday can go from sunrise to well past sunset. Instead of questioning what she’s been up to, ask, “Honey, what do you need right now?” Then roll up your sleeves and do what you can to help.
Sound off: What else should a husband never say to his wife?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What compliments mean the most to you?”