How to Stop Being a Controlling Parent

Ep. 135 – How to Stop Being a Controlling Parent

It’s very easy for dads to start correcting and slip into controlling. It almost always backfires. In this episode of the All Pro Dad Podcast, host Ted Lowe is joined by BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis to wrestle with the harsh truth that dads like to control things, and that could be harming our kids.

Why This Matters

While control may produce short-term compliance, it often leads to long-term resistance or dependence.

Key Takeaways

-Control often grows out of fear.
Fear of embarrassment, failure, disrespect, or what a child’s behavior might become years down the road can cause dads to overcorrect in the moment.
-You can influence your children, but you cannot control them.
Boundaries, consequences, and guidance matter, but manipulation, intimidation, and guilt ultimately undermine growth.
-Influence is more powerful than force.
Force may change behavior temporarily, but influence shapes character and maturity over time.

Practical Tips for Dads

1. Identify your parenting triggers.
Know the situations that consistently cause you to overreact and prepare healthier responses ahead of time.
2. Replace control with choices.
Give clear options and clear consequences rather than relying on threats, pressure, or raising your voice.
3. Choose your battles wisely.
Focus your energy on issues that truly matter, such as character and respect, while allowing room for age-appropriate mistakes and independence.

Important Episode Timestamps

[00:00] Why Control Backfires With Your Kids and What Actually Works Long Term
Ted introduces the episode’s central question with a story about a toddler who refused to eat for an entire day. He learned you can never truly control another person.

[00:23] You Can’t Make a Kid Do Anything
Ted, BJ, and Bobby share relatable stories about picky eaters, manners battles, and fruit standoffs that all point to the same lesson—gripping tighter doesn’t produce the results dads are hoping for.

[04:39] The Line Between Teaching and Controlling
BJ breaks down how discipline tips into control when dads start using intimidation, shame, or guilt to stop bad behavior, admitting it feels like good parenting in the moment even though it’s quietly damaging the relationship.

[06:45] Fear Is What’s Really Driving Controlling Behavior in Dads
The guys unpack Dan Siegel’s insight that overwhelmed parents either disengage or control, and explore how fear is usually what’s underneath the grip.

[09:18] When Dads Perform for Others Instead of Parenting Their Kids
Bobby shares an honest confession about tightening his grip at church because he didn’t want to look like a bad dad in front of other people. The story highlights how performing for peers is one of the most common traps dads fall into.

[11:16] You Can Influence Your Kids But You Can’t Control Who They Become
BJ makes the sobering point that even the best parents sometimes have kids who struggle deeply, and why releasing the illusion of control is what healthy fatherhood actually looks like.

[13:46] Knowing and Responding to Your Triggers
The dads reflect on the personal triggers that cause them to overreact and explain why identifying those triggers outside the heat of the moment changes everything.

[18:58] Be More Realistic — You Can’t Expect Kids to Know What You Never Taught Them
Bobby shares a moment of clarity when he realized he was yelling at his daughter about putting clothes in a drawer he’d never actually taught her to use.

[19:42] Choices, Consequences, and Slowing Down
BJ and Bobby walk through concrete strategies for replacing control with influence — giving kids two clear choices, lowering your voice, following through on consequences, and slowing down enough to let your brain catch up to your mouth.

[22:11] This Week’s Pro Move
The next time you’re tempted to control your child’s behavior, pause and offer a clear choice with a clear consequence instead. Then calmly follow through and let responsibility do the teaching.

Sponsor:
The All Pro Dad Podcast is proudly brought to you by Family First, a nonprofit dedicated to equipping parents with resources to strengthen their families. Learn more at FamilyFirst.net.