5 Parenting Errors You Should Lean Into

I remember when our son was young and my wife and I were reading a popular parenting book. It emphasized the importance of letting your kids cry themselves to sleep. So for several nights our young son screamed for over an hour, nearly getting himself sick from being so upset, and we paced the floor, hating what we were doing. Finally, we caved and returned to rocking him to sleep. Everyone enjoyed it more. Of course, in due time, we were able to gently transition him to sleeping on his own. Turns out making parenting “mistakes” is sometimes the best parenting choice you can make.

I’m not suggesting that we should never do hard things as parents. However, I do feel strongly that there are no perfect parenting choices. Sometimes you have to do the best you know how, even when it isn’t the “right” way. What do I mean? Well, here are 5 parenting errors you should lean into.

1. Err on the side of grace.

“OK, let’s gently put it in reverse,” I said to my 16-year-old. Instead, she just hit the gas, launching us over the cement parking block and slamming the front tires down on the other side, scraping the bottom of the car. In that moment, I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell, “Didn’t you hear me say ‘reverse?!?!’” And yet somehow in that moment, I found the ability to pause, look her in the eyes, and laugh. “It’s OK, kiddo. Mistakes happen. Let’s try this again.”

I’ve found that statement, or some form of it, to be one I come back to again and again when my kids fail. “It’s OK, kiddo. Mistakes happen. Let’s try again.” I don’t know if that’s right, but my kids are now in their 20s, and they still talk to us about their mistakes. I’m glad for that.

2. Embarrass your child in public.

I dropped my daughter off at her friend’s house for a sleepover. As she got out of the car, several of her friends met her immediately outside. As she turned to go, I thought, “I’ll just sneak away and not say anything.” But then I remembered I’d made a decision to always say “I love you” to my kids, even if it was in front of their friends. So I yelled out the window, “Have fun, sweetie. Love you!” Her friends giggled and waved.

Of course, how you embarrass your kid matters. You don’t want to shame them by being that parent who yells at the refs or, worse, yells at them in public. However, if you embarrass her by showing affection or by choosing to hang out when her friends are around instead of disappearing into the living room, you’re doing something right.

3. Wait too long to let them get a phone.

Our kids were so mad at us. All of their friends had smartphones. Literally everyone. And yet they were stuck with their “dumb phones.” “It’s not fair, they’d whine. But we stood our ground. There was no reason they needed a smartphone at 11 years old, and we’d wait as long as humanly possible to expose them (which typically meant about age 16), even though we were the only parents we knew who made that decision. And sometimes we wondered if we were being too strict.

And maybe we were. Yet, now my 22-year-old will often say, “We were so angry when you guys didn’t let us have smartphones, but now I’m so glad you didn’t.” Going against the flow isn’t only tough for your teen, it’s tough for parents too. But making those difficult choices is very often well worth it in the long run.

4. Be overly cautious with who spends time with them.

“So, who is going to be there?” is a question we’d often ask our kids. If they were going to someone’s house for the night or going on a trip, we wanted to know who was going to be there, and, more than once, we said “no” to a sleepover because we didn’t trust the people they were with. We’d also do everything we could to get them time around people we thought were good influences (their youth leader, service groups, and mentors).

I know this feels heavy-handed, and again, we seemed to be the only parents doing this. From what our kids said when we said “no” to things (“But everyone else gets to do it!”), it felt like we were on an island. But the people who your kids spend time with shape them deeply. It pays to be picky, even if you’re the only one doing it.

5. Trust them too much.

“I promise.” Those words can be cheap for our teens. I remember one time when my buddy’s daughter got drunk at a party. She confessed it to her parents and promised never to do it again. Her parents set up some boundaries to prevent it in the short term, but eventually, they had to decide when to trust her again. It was a struggle, and they probably trusted her before they were ready to, maybe even before they should’ve. But my friend wanted to communicate to his daughter that they believed she was trustworthy. And it turns out, she was.

Of course, those kinds of parenting mistakes could blow up. But they can also create opportunities for trust to be repaired. Choosing to extend trust can build confidence in your teen. I’m not suggesting you act naively, but simply that you choose to let go of control. After all, the best things in life aren’t controlled—they are cultivated.

Sound off: What parenting mistakes are you glad that you made?