“I feel like you’re married to your work more than to me.” Those words hurt, but they were true. Early on in our marriage, I didn’t have a good work/home balance. I was young, in pastoral ministry, and often overwhelmed with the stress of just “getting it all done.”
As a result, my wife and young kids got the short end of the stick—late nights, missed dinners, and plenty of excuses to justify it all. Thankfully, those years were temporary, but I learned some valuable lessons along the way. Here are 4 signs you love your career more than you love your wife.
1. Consistently Coming Home Late
Time talks. Very few things speak as loudly about what you value as how you prioritize your time. Miss your kids’ ball games enough times, and your children may think you don’t care. Show up late for dinner multiple nights a week, and your wife has a right to question your priorities. Especially when our kids were young, my wife anticipated the reprieve when I came home at the end a work day. When I was regularly late, increased stress and unnecessary tension were the result. When I was on time, it spoke love loudly.
2. Choosing Work Obligations Over Family Obligations
Being in the ministry, there were always times when work life and family life were at odds—weekend weddings, unexpected funerals, last-minute hospital visits. But no matter what job a man has, there will always be conflicting obligations to balance. Your wife needs to see you prioritizing her and the family in some of those moments. Most importantly, she needs to feel prioritized by you, even if it means making it up to her or the kids in other ways when loving your career and family obligations collide.
3. Hearing it From Your Wife
When my wife told me those painful words about loving my career more than loving her, it was a needed reminder to open my eyes to the truth I’d been blinded to. When your wife speaks truth into you, it can sometimes be hard to hear and easy to excuse. Instead of resisting her feedback, learn to listen to your wife with a desire to understand, over a desire to be right. Because oftentimes, what I’ve found, is that she is actually right.
4. Thinking About Your Work When You’re With Your Family
My wife doesn’t like it when I bring work home with me. What wife does? Even my kids will ask me on my day off, when they see me working on my laptop at the kitchen table, “Dad, what are you working on?” My family, and especially my wife, deserve that I be fully present and give them the best of my attention, both physically and mentally. To help with this, on my way home from work, I have a specific intersection five minutes from the house, where I intentionally switch my mind from work mode to home mode. This gives me a needed reset to focus my mind on the needs of my wife and kids, so I can walk through the front door and be fully present.
Sound off: There’s nothing wrong with loving your career unless it starts to interfere with your home life. Which of these four areas could you work on this week?
What is something I do that sometimes makes you feel like my work is more important than my family?