My wife walked out the door, and I didn’t know if she was going to come back. It was a few months after our first child was born. I had been struggling to understand my role as a father, and I didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with my wife’s postpartum depression. Our marriage had taken a backseat to the needs of a newborn, and my wife and I constantly misunderstood each other. So when she walked out that door, it was honestly the scariest moment in our 15 years of marriage.
If you’re in a season where your marriage feels lifeless, know that you’re not alone. Many great marriages have weathered difficult periods that seemed impossible to overcome. You have a unique responsibility to lead your families with strength and wisdom, especially when our most important relationship needs renewal. Want to know how to save a dead marriage? Here are 5 practical ways to breathe life back into a marriage that feels dead.
1. Prioritize quality communication over quantity.
It’s easy to fall into patterns of surface-level communication about schedules, kids, and home life. While these discussions are necessary, they don’t nurture the emotional connection that sustains a marriage. Instead of asking “How was your day?” try questions that invite deeper sharing: “What made you smile today?” or “What’s weighing on your mind lately?” When she speaks, put down your phone, turn off the TV, and truly listen. These focused moments of genuine connection often prove more valuable than hours of distracted conversations about family logistics.
2. Rediscover connection beyond sex.
My wife and I are intentional to connect in ways beyond sexual. We learned an acronym that lays out the other ways spouses should connect: SPICE. It stands for spiritual, physical (non-sexual), intellectual, communicative, and emotional. Connecting in all these ways extends intimacy far beyond the bedroom. You can connect in small ways like holding hands, hugging before leaving for work, or sitting close during family movie night. These seemingly small actions release oxytocin—the bonding hormone—and help rebuild trust and closeness.
3. Disrupt patterns through new experiences.
Sharing a new experience can reignite the spark that initially drew you and your spouse together. It doesn’t have to be overly complicated or crazy like skydiving. Challenge yourselves to try something neither of you has done before—take a cooking class, go hiking on an unfamiliar trail, or volunteer together at church. Foster the teamwork that may have been missing from your relationship.
4. Commit to individual growth while growing together.
Taking responsibility for your personal growth, whether through reading, therapy, or developing new skills, demonstrates self-respect and brings fresh energy into your relationship. Ask yourself: “Am I the best version of myself for my wife and family?” If not, identify one area where you can improve and take concrete action. As you grow individually, invite your wife to share her goals and dreams, creating space for both of you to grow together.
5. Focus on appreciation.
What would happen if you established a weekly habit where you and your spouse share specific things you appreciate about each other? These aren’t generic compliments but detailed observations: “I admire how patiently you listened to our daughter when she was upset yesterday” or “I’m grateful for how you always remember to check the oil in my car.” Appreciation can bring your marriage back to life because it reinforces the good things she is doing that you see. You want her to feel valued, seen, and appreciated.
Sound off: What have you learned from experience or observation about how to save a dead marriage?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Which would be harder for you: no phone for a week, or no TV for a week? Why?”