Have you ever run into a parent of young children in the wild? You can pick out these individuals at the grocery store, the bank, or the sidelines of the soccer field because they have a glazed look on their faces as though someone just woke them up and reminded them they had somewhere to be. Perhaps there are stains at various places on their otherwise attractive outfits. Or maybe they’re in what appears to be pajamas. Most parents of young children are just trying to survive. And when you’re in survival mode, it’s hard to think about the future.
However, the point of raising children is not the experience of having children (though of course that can be wonderful) but rather shepherding your children into an adulthood in which they are genuinely good human beings. But this takes the ability to parent for the long haul, making difficult decisions in the moment for the hoped-for reward of adults you enjoy being around. While there are no guarantees, some choices are more helpful than others. Here are 5 things to do that will help you raise adults you actually like (and who may like you too).
1. Respect your children.
It’s normal for us to demand that children treat their parents, their teachers, and their friends with respect. Saying “please” and “thank you” are expected in most homes and classrooms. However, if we’re not careful, it’s easy to forget that our kids deserve, even need, to be treated with dignity themselves. We do this when we treat them as we want them to treat us. When we honor our kids in this way, it builds self-respect and healthy boundaries. If you want to raise respectful adults, it starts with treating them the way you want them to treat you and others.
2. Listen to them.
Kids often enjoy talking. When you get home from a long day of work or are trying to get something done around the house, an energetic child babbling on and on about what she did that day is cute, but may also be hard to deal with. As a result, we can be too quick to dismiss our kids rather than listen to them. But listening to your kids builds their confidence and self-worth. It also models empathy and understanding, as well as a host of other positive social characteristics. And if you want to raise adults you enjoy spending time with, you want them to be the kind of people who don’t just enjoy talking but listening as well.
3. Teach self-control.
Discipline is hard. At its root, it’s about self-denial. It’s being willing to say “no” to something you want for the sake of something better. Young children aren’t wired for this. They are instant-gratification junkies, living in the moment with no thought for the future (viva la ice cream!). They need help learning to say “no” for the sake of a better “yes” down the road. This is hard to do as a parent, but if we don’t teach self-control, our children may struggle with unhealthy habits and fail to learn the value of sacrificing immediate gratification for long-term goals achieved through hard work. They will have difficulty working toward goals. And while lazy, disorganized kids may still be cute, lazy, disorganized adults are not the type of people you want to spend time with.
4. Play with them.
Playing with kids isn’t always convenient. In fact, they’re usually most interested in playing when you’re most interested in taking a nap or watching the game. But play is essential in your child’s cognitive and physical development. It also helps build lasting bonds between you and your child. A dad who plays with his kids communicates that he likes them. This deepens the connection and affection that lasts far beyond childhood. If you want to raise adults you enjoy, it helps if you learn to enjoy them while they’re young!
5. Don’t live through them.
Parents who live vicariously through their children are easy to spot. They’re typically the ones who come unhinged when their kid doesn’t get playing time, the “A,” or the lead role in the play. Either they never got these things themselves and want them for their child, or they did succeed and now expect their child to follow in their footsteps! And while there are lots of reasons this is bad, one of the things it does is teach your child that you don’t really like him for who he is, but for how much you can make him like you. Over time, this can build resentment in your child as well as a sense that he can never really measure up to your high expectations or be the person you want him to be. And it’s hard to have a relationship with an adult who feels he has to prove himself to you. If you want to raise an adult you enjoy, allow him to be himself. Let him grow in the things that make him unique, and as he becomes more himself as an adult, you can appreciate him for all the ways he is both different from and similar to you.
Sound off: What is something you’ve learned from your parents about how to raise adults you enjoy being with?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What characteristics do we want our child to have as an adult? What are we doing now to promote them?”