You and your wife have a lot going on. Sometimes, in the midst of it all, you can lose sight of what drew you to her. It happens innocently enough. After all, she’s really different than you in a lot of ways. And of course, that’s a big part of why you found her so attractive. But now you’ve got jobs that demand a lot of your time and attention. Kids take energy and time, and we often end up juggling many different things. You run the kids to practice while she makes dinner. She handles homework while you do the dishes. You often direct your free time differently. You can’t wait to watch the game, but she’d rather go out with friends.
One day you turn around, and you and your wife realize you’re running a successful household, but you’re not running after each other. No one intends for that to happen, but that’s the thing. Marriages don’t accidentally go well (nothing good does). You have to choose to pursue your wife. Here are 5 ways to pursue your wife.
1. Fan the flame.
When you dated your wife, no doubt you spent lots of time learning about her. What music did she listen to? What movies did she like? What hobbies did she enjoy? You’d do things you didn’t care about because they mattered to her…because she mattered to you. Those things fanned the flames of love early on, and they can do it again. Get interested in your wife. Learn her favorite artists and make her a playlist to listen to as she heads to work. Find out what play she’s interested in and take her out for an evening at the theater. Spend a Saturday learning a hobby she’s curious about, and share it with her.
Pursue what she cares about because you care about her, and watch how the flame of love grows.
2. Plan your pursuit.
If you’re like me, most of your spare attention goes to planning your kids’ activities. Spare money goes to travel soccer or dance class. I’m typically so busy thinking through the details of managing a home and family that very little time and energy goes into thinking about how to romance my wife. But pursuit takes planning. The key to pursuing your wife is living with intention. Start with asking her out on a date. Find a great spot that makes her wonder what you spent on it. Get a night away. Or better, get two. Make dinner for her. Bring home flowers. Get tickets for that band you know she loves even though you couldn’t care less. Pay a babysitter to take the kids and then just drive her to a field and take a walk.
You know your wife. You wooed her once. Plan your pursuit again.
3. “Catch” her at the end of the day.
Look, evenings can be exhausting. There are dishes to do, laundry to fold, or a game you’ve been waiting to watch. And you’re tired. It’s easy for you and your wife to become simply two people who live together, but never hang out. You’re married, but you’re not “with” each other. It’s up to you to “catch” her at the end of each day. Share a funny story, ask her a question, or just take five minutes to snuggle on the couch. If you’re traveling for work, jump on the phone for a video call before you turn in for the night.
The point isn’t that every day needs to end on a romantic note. It’s that you want to remind her that even at the last hour, she’s your first priority.
4. Don’t fight to conquer, fight to connect.
As we’ve discussed, you and your wife are different people. Inevitably, this means you will disagree. For some of us, depending on our personalities, that may happen multiple times a day. But disagreement doesn’t need to push you away from one another. Done well, it can pull you closer. One secret to pursuing your wife is choosing to fight not to conquer, but to connect. Don’t prize getting the win, but rather winning her. You need to attack what’s keeping you from intimacy and alignment.
In the end, you want her to feel loved, not unwanted.
5. Make the first move.
Look, it’s natural to want to be pursued. You want your wife to want you. You also don’t want to be taken advantage of. Also, you’re tired. All of these things can, frankly, make us lazy. We’re tired of initiating. We want her to go first. The thing is, the nature of going first means that only one person can do it. Be the first: the first to apologize, to suggest a date night, to ask about her day, to grab her hand. The foundation for pursuing your wife is movement. “Pursuit” implies movement toward a goal or, in this case, a person.
Go first in pursuing your wife. Not only does this make your wife feel valued, but in choosing to pursue her, you are teaching yourself to prioritize her over other things. We often think that our emotions determine our actions, but often it’s the opposite. By choosing to think about, plan for, and pursue your wife, you are training yourself to prioritize her. Go first.
Sound off: What are other ways to prioritize pursuing your wife?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What’s one thing you’re excited about right now?”