I think playing quarterback is one of the toughest jobs in sports. There is so much pressure and responsibility on your shoulders, and I was fortunate to learn from some of the best to ever do it. One thing I noticed is that even the greats threw a lot of interceptions. Brett Favre finished with a record 336 picks. Hall of Famer George Blanda once threw 42 in a single season. I tossed 13 and can tell you from experience that no QB wants interceptions to happen, but they do. It can be deflating, especially if it costs your team the win.
Letdowns are going to happen in sports and in life. It’s difficult when it’s you, but it’s significantly harder to watch your kids deal with letdowns. It can be challenging to be a calming presence for my four kids when things aren’t going well. But when our kids make mistakes or endure a tough season of life, we, as dads, get to be their coaches and model the resilience they need. Here are 4 things to teach your kids when they’ve experienced a letdown.
1. Own what you can.
In football, if a play broke down, everyone on the team knew somebody had messed up. A fumble, interception, dropped pass—letdowns cost people jobs in pro football. But when kids experience a letdown, we must treat things differently. We should not shame them for their mistakes. They aren’t in the NFL. They’re kids, and with kids, effort trumps results. Letdowns are moments when dads get to teach. Shame is the last thing we should heap on our kids.
Kids are going to feel bad enough over failing a test, breaking a bone, or missing the party. What we can do is help them look in the mirror. We can help them ask questions like, “Did I study my hardest? Did I act recklessly? Have I been kind?” These help kids think outside of their feelings and analyze their role in the letdown. Maybe they did nothing wrong, and someone else caused them pain. In that situation, just console them. If the letdown came from a lack of effort, like not studying, we can coach them to give their all next time. But if a letdown happens and they can look in the mirror and say they gave 100% effort, well, just hug them. They did all they could do. I like to stress effort over results to my kids. Sometimes the result is a letdown, but effort is always commendable.
2. Don’t let failure define you.
Letdowns have a way of trying to define us. Bad letter grade? Didn’t get the lead in the school play? That doesn’t mean your child isn’t smart or talented. Teach your kids that they are not their letdown, and failure doesn’t diminish their value. This can be hard for kids to grasp because so much of childhood is about fitting in, getting attention on social media, or achieving something noteworthy. When those things aren’t happening, and a letdown occurs, that’s fertile ground for anxiety, depression, and questioning identity. Dad, you can help your kids compartmentalize rather than catastrophize. Letdowns must be put in their place. They happen to everyone, but do not define anyone. Your kids are valuable regardless of circumstance, so we need to help them separate their struggles from their worth.
3. Remember this isn’t forever.
If my son goes out for the high school lacrosse team and gets cut, he’ll likely feel let down. But he’ll have one year to work on his skills and try out again. If he bombs the first test of the semester, he’ll only have a few weeks to pull his grade up. After a letdown, help your kids create a game plan to overcome it, if possible. If they’re dealing with a longer-lasting letdown, like an injury or trauma, you won’t have to rush things. You can remind your kids that you’ll be there for the long haul. Try to model resilience and guide your kids through their letdowns. Stick by their side to comfort them and let your kids know that new opportunities will come along over time.
4. Heal before you move forward.
If the letdown involves the heart, it’s not easily, if ever, fixed. A broken promise. Rejection by a friend. Public embarrassment. These letdowns can have lasting effects. When things don’t work out, encourage your kids to ask “how” questions—or guide them by asking, “How are you feeling? How do things look different now? How can I help you?” These questions invite conversation, which opens the door for you to reaffirm how much you love them. You can also share a story from a time you were let down. Remind them they aren’t weird. Letdowns can often leave kids feeling rejected and expendable. That’s never true, and they may need reminding. Letdowns have a way of tossing kids around emotionally. They’ll need your love to get through it.
Sound off: What disappointing experience affected you most in childhood?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to have resilience?”