Have you noticed that more communication in marriage doesn’t seem to be the answer for you? Me too. Early on in our marriage, Nancie and I had this pattern. I’d say something the wrong way. She’d shut down. Then I’d relentlessly try to get her to talk because everyone says communication is the key to marriage. She’d finally tell me what was wrong, and I’d spend the next 20 minutes explaining in painstaking detail how she’d heard me wrong.
We were communicating more, all right. We were communicating our way right into criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. Turns out, talking more isn’t always the answer. The key is communicating better. Here are 3 truths about communication in marriage that actually work.
1. Silence is better than talking.
Sometimes silence is better than talking. I know, I know, this sounds like the opposite of what every marriage book tells you. But hear me out.
Recently, I was having a “discussion” with our son when Nancie walked into the room. She quickly joined the conversation, and I felt—notice I said “I felt”—like she was siding with our son against me. I was frustrated with my son. I was also mad at my wife now. So I “ended” the argument by leaving the room, saying a few things on my way out that I’d soon regret.
Meanwhile, during all of this, here’s what was happening in my brain: My amygdala—you know that part of our brain that’s all about fight, flight, or freeze—was leaping into action. Firing on all cylinders. Charging the line.
Don’t get me wrong, the amygdala is a great survival tool. I mean, heck, it’s what kept our ancestors alive when they saw a saber-toothed tiger. But the problem is the amygdala can’t tell the difference between an actual tiger and my wife disagreeing with me. So it responds the same way. Get defensive! Protect yourself! Fight back!
And the amygdala is lightning fast, which is basically the whole problem. The amygdala responds before the cortex, the smart part of your brain that takes care of things like thought and judgment, has time to come online.
So we react first, think later. Never good! By the time our logical brain catches up, we’ve already said or done something we regret. When I said those things to Nancie and my son that I’d later regret, my brain was convinced I was under attack, and it was trying to rescue me.
2. How you say something matters as much as what you say.
Here’s what’s tricky about communication in marriage…how you say something matters as much as what you say. You don’t even need to open your mouth to communicate frustration, anger, or contempt. You can just cross your arms, roll your eyes, set your jaw, and glare at your spouse. And you know what? Your spouse will “hear” you loud and clear.
If I’m looking at my phone while Nancie is talking to me, whether I want to or not, I’m communicating that my phone is more important than she is. When I cross my arms and turn away during a disagreement, I’m communicating that I’m closed off and don’t care what she thinks.
Our tone matters. Our facial expressions matter. Our body language matters. Sometimes these things matter more than the actual words coming out of our mouths. Think about it. You could say “I love you” with warmth and sincerity or dripping with sarcasm. Same words, completely different message.
The action item for this one is, the next time your person wants to talk, put your phone down. Turn toward her. Make eye contact. Unfold your arms. Let your body say, “You matter. I’m here. I’m listening.” It’s amazing how much that simple shift can change a conversation. Seriously, try it.
So this truth is about you. Your actions. How you communicate. The next truth is all about focusing on your spouse.
3. Listening can be more powerful than speaking.
When it comes to communication in marriage, listening can be more powerful than speaking. And let me tell you about a phrase that has changed everything: “That’s understandable.” One Monday evening after I’d spent a full weekend speaking and traveling, Nancie asked me, “How are you doing?” She could tell something was off.
I said, “To be honest, I’m tired and a little depressed.”
All she said was, “That’s understandable.” That’s it. Two words. And it was exactly what I needed. She didn’t try to cheer me up, fix me, or give me her opinion on my travel schedule. She just listened, heard where I was, and sat with me. She understood. And it was a balm to my soul.
Sound off: What’s the biggest challenge you face with communication in marriage right now?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What’s one way I can show you I’m really listening when we talk?”