Years ago, I got into a discussion with a young woman at work about videos and images that make us cry. The image that made her more emotional than anything was seeing men eat alone. The thought of men experiencing loneliness made her sad. It’s not easy for men to make connections, but the desire is there. A match.com survey from the past few years revealed that men, more than women, desire more committed relationships. Yet, fewer men were actually in those relationships.
But it’s bigger than dating. According to the Survey Center on American Life, only around half of men were satisfied with their male friendships. Men seem more and more lonely, some even suggesting that there is a male loneliness epidemic. The danger goes beyond us too. There’s plenty of research showing it’s happening to our sons. They play online video games with friends and connect with people on Instagram and TikTok, but they seem to be lonelier than ever. Is your son a part of the male loneliness epidemic? Here are 4 ways to engage with him about it.
1. Address your own lack of friends.
Our sons tend to copy the behavior they see. What does your son see you modeling with relationships? Does he see you engage? Does he see you pursue people? Or does he see a dad who isolates himself, retreats, or perhaps is passive in his relationships? If we don’t model the importance of connection with people, then our sons won’t see it as important either. It’ll increase the likelihood that he ends up lonely. Our sons need to see us prioritizing building friendships that go beyond our marriages and families.
2. Encourage face to face time.
In his book The Anxious Generation, Robert Haidt explains how we have moved from a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood. This is one of the biggest causes for the male loneliness epidemic among our sons. They play online video games, scroll social media, and text with their friends. However, it doesn’t give them nearly the connection and emotional development as face to face contact and play. Face to face contact teaches them to develop and read facial expressions and body language. They learn how to resolve conflict, take risks, and work as a team. All of this leads to deeper connections with people. Can this be learned online? I would say perhaps, but only in a limited way. The more in person interaction our sons get, the less lonely they will most likely be.
3. Encourage relational risk.
Several years ago, my son told me about a friend of his who told a girl he had feelings for her and got rejected. I was so proud of his friend, which is what I said to my son. When he asked me why I was proud, I told him his friend showed a lot of vulnerability and courage. Those are the exact traits that will pay off for him in the long run if he continues making those types of moves. Taking relational risks teaches us how to communicate better, pick up on nonverbals, and develop self-confidence. Even failure and rejection can help us develop these traits.
4. Teach him that he isn’t alone.
When we feel lonely, it’s important to remember (and for our sons to know) that God is with us. I know that’s easy to say and can be little comfort to someone who feels disconnected. The prophet Elijah felt that way. In 1 Kings 19, we read that he was rejected. All of the prophets had been killed and his life was in danger. He was all alone, but he poured his fears, discouragement, and loneliness to God. And God met Elijah in his deepest need with a whisper. God desires to be with us when we are lonely. Sometimes we just need to invite him in.
Sound off: Have you noticed a male loneliness epidemic?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Have you ever felt lonely? When?”