7 Things That Happen When You See the Best in Your Wife

Early in our marriage, my wife Nancie and I decided to move from California to Georgia. But one 300-degree afternoon, while I was mowing the lawn, I started rethinking that decision and blaming her for it. I thought, “Nancie loves it here. We talked like we both decided to move, but I think she just convinced me so she could get what she wanted. In fact, I think she’s manipulative.” In the time it took to mow one lawn, my thoughts went from “I miss our old life” to “My wife is manipulative.”

I wasn’t seeing the best in my wife. I was building a case against her, and by the time I came inside, kindness and curiosity weren’t exactly on the table. It took me months to see what was actually true: I was grieving the life we’d left behind, and instead of admitting it, I’d slapped an unfair label on my wife. But when I really considered what was true, things changed. Here are 7 things that happen when you see the best in your wife.

1. You ask better questions.

If I’d been seeing the best in Nancie, I would have remembered the simple truth: We decided to move together. It was an us decision, not a Nancie decision that I got stuck with. If I’d done this, my questions would have looked completely different: “What do you miss about our old life? What do you love about being here?” If you assume the worst about your wife and don’t ask questions, you end up ruminating on who she is and what she did…and not in a good way. Instead, when you look for the best, you get curious.

2. You become a better listener.

My friends Payden and Lane run a gym together, and for a while Payden was convinced Lane just didn’t care about getting home on time. Every late night made her colder toward him, and every cold welcome made him more distant. Then on a date night, she finally told him it hurt her. He told her the truth: He wasn’t choosing the gym over her; he was afraid of not being able to provide. When you see the best in your spouse, you quit listening for evidence, and you start hearing what your spouse is actually saying.

3. You have more empathy.

I know a guy who was convinced his wife didn’t respect his job because she kept asking when he’d “get a different one.” He’d already decided what that meant, so every time she asked, he heard it the same way. Turns out she was scared about money and didn’t know how to say it without sounding scared. When you’re looking for the best in her, you assume there’s a real reason behind the thing that’s bugging you. That’s empathy: asking instead of assuming.

4. You give more grace.

We have friends who are always late, and it can be frustrating. But when we look for the best in them, we see people who are always present, great listeners, and a ton of fun. Would we really trade that for them getting there earlier? No. Your wife might have a “flaw” like that too, one that’s annoying on a Tuesday and exactly why you love her on the days that matter. Grace is not only letting those be true, but also not holding anything against her. You’re letting it go.

5. You calm your nervous system.

Believing your wife is against you puts your body in fight-or-flight mode: tight jaw, tight shoulders, pounding heart. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman calls this flooding, and he found that once you’re there, it gets really hard to listen, think clearly, or solve a problem. You’re not going to see the best in your wife automatically when you’re hungry, worn out, or frustrated about something else, but you can choose to flip that switch. When you do, your body gets the message that she’s not the threat. Your shoulders drop, your brain comes back online, and you can have a conversation instead of a fight.

One trick that helps: Keep a running list of what you love about her. The late, great marriage expert Gary Smalley kept an honor book full of what he loved about his wife, Norma, and he’d read through it when he got frustrated or before a tough conversation.

6. You make better decisions.

When I’m deciding things based on a version of my wife I made up in my head, I make bad calls. Payden and Lane eventually worked out a rhythm: more staff at the gym, dinner delivered on the nights he couldn’t leave, honesty about which nights really mattered. None of that happens if you’ve decided your spouse is the problem. Seeing the best in your wife puts you on the same side of the table, working the actual problem.

7. You love better.

Researcher Dr. Helen Fisher studied couples still madly in love after an average of 21 years of marriage. She found more activity in the part of the brain tied to positive illusion, the habit of focusing on what you love about your spouse instead of what you don’t. The good news is you can choose to see the best in your wife before the negative feelings show up. Let the view of what you love about her block the view of what you don’t.

Sound off: What’s one time you saw the best in your wife, and it changed the whole moment?