My kids played sports through most of their childhood. I loved watching them play, and I made sure they knew it. I could probably count on one hand how many games I missed. The one thing I never did was coach. There were always other dads around who seemed more qualified. It bugged me more than I let on, and I knew exactly why.
One of my dad heroes coached his kids in almost everything, and somewhere along the way I’d made that the bar for being a good dad. Coaching your kids’ teams can be a great dad move, but it’s not the only one, and for me it turned out to be the wrong bar. Nobody handed me that bar, and I doubt anyone handed you the one you’re measuring yourself against either. Most of it boils down to one question underneath the others: Am I enough as a dad? Here are 5 questions every dad secretly asks himself.
1. Am I providing enough for my family?
This one’s sneaky. Dads are showing up for their kids emotionally and relationally more than the generation before us, and in this crazy world, that’s good crazy. But here’s the catch: A 2025 Washington University study confirmed that earnings and long hours still shape how fathers grade themselves. Fair enough. We all have to eat and live indoors, so the paycheck matters. But if you’re asking yourself if you’re enough as a dad because you can’t take an expensive vacation, sign your kids up for club sports, or keep them wearing the right logos, breathe. Your kids won’t remember most of that stuff. But they will remember a dad who came home every night for dinner.
2. Am I teaching them the right things?
Every dad feels the pressure to raise a kid who will grow up to be an incredible adult. So you replay conversations in the car, wondering if you said too much or not enough. Did you handle that lie the right way? Did you overreact to a C on the math test? Did you underreact to a bad attitude? Am I teaching my kids the same values as that dad? No wait, that dad? Trying to instill all the right things in the exact right way is guilt-inducing madness. So let’s stop. Choose 2-3 things you want to instill in your kid. Maybe it’s honesty, or work ethic, or just being kind to people who can’t do anything for you. Then consistently, imperfectly, try to teach those values by modeling them, and admitting when you don’t. That impacts them more than you both know.
3. Am I showing up right for their sports and activities?
As I said earlier, this is the one that got me. Pew Research found that 63 percent of dads say they spend too little time with their kids, so if you’re carrying some version of this same math, you’ve got company. Showing up looks different for every dad and every family. Some dads coach. Some dads cheer from the broken folding chair. Some dads are just trying to make it to one more game this season. Whatever your version looks like, your kid probably notices it more than you think.
4. Am I disciplining them in the right way?
Too strict, not strict enough, too involved, not involved enough. You raise your voice once and wonder if you’re a mean dad. You let something go and wonder if you’re going soft. Some nights you crack down on a mess like it’s a felony; other nights you let the same thing go without blinking, and you can’t always predict which version of you is going to show up. That gap between how you wanted to show up and how you did is when worrying whether you’re enough as a dad turns into dad guilt, fast. Your kids don’t need you to become the perfect disciplinarian. They need a dad who’s paying attention, willing to change, and willing to say, “I’m sorry,” when he’s wrong.
5. Will they want a relationship with me when they’re grown?
Here’s the frustrating thing about that question: You can’t answer it. Not today. Maybe not for another decade or two. You’re trying to predict a relationship that hasn’t happened yet. Here’s the truth: You don’t know yet, and neither do I. But tomorrow morning you and I get another shot at it.
The one question that actually matters: Was I present today?
Trade those five questions every dad secretly asks for one you can actually answer. It’s not asking you to grade your whole life as a father. It’s asking about today. One conversation. One game. One bedtime. There are plenty of ways to know you’re doing a good job day to day, but this question covers most of them at once. Answer it honestly and consistently, and the other five start taking care of themselves, one ordinary day at a time.
And if no one’s told you lately, you’re doing better than you think. You are more than enough.
Sound off: What’s one small way you’ve shown up for your kids this week that you’re proud of?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s something I do that makes you feel loved?”